Page 6 of Beautiful Scars

I move over and pat a spot on the broad concrete step beside me. She looks at me with her head tilted, studying me silently, weighing her options. Eventually, she lowers herself down to sit, wincing slightly once or twice and making a pointed effort to not touch me.

And so, we sit together. Both of us still and quiet, lost in our own thoughts as we watch the blue summer sky fade into twilight. It’s not until the streetlights flicker on and the cool night air is filled with the sound of crickets that she finally says something.

“I suppose you're still here because you think I owe you something for what you did today." She sighs and it's as if her entire body deflates. "It was stupid, you know. Garrett could've killed you. He's dangerous." Her eyes stay fixed on the ground in front of her, focused on the spot where the overgrown grass meets the concrete. "It was sweet though. In a dumb, fucked up way. No one’s ever…”

Her voice fades as she starts wiggling her toes against the sidewalk. Her hands slide down her calves and I can feel how nervous she is. She lowers her voice to almost a whisper and her hands tremble as she continues.

“Don't fool yourself though. You didn’t really save me from anything. He’ll be back, meaner and more pissed than ever. It'll be worse for me then." Taking a long, slow, deep breath in, she holds it a moment before closing her eyes to exhale.

I don't know what to say to that. I keep my mouth shut, unwilling to risk making any of this worse than it already is.

"Did you mean what you said to him. At the end?"

I meant every single word of what I said to the prick. It would bring nothing but pleasure to erase him. Still, it takes a minute for the weight of the question to settle and to formulate an answer that doesn’t make me sound insane…

But, I'm not quick enough. Before I can answer, she's on her feet, dusting herself off. As she turns to walk up the steps, I want to say more. I want to answer her and take away the doubt I see clouding her eyes, but I'm stuck on mute. I'd say just about anything to keep her here next to me a little while longer. I want to say something that will reassure her and coax one more of those heart stopping smiles out before she leaves me sitting here wishing I'd done even more things differently.

She turns and lifts her eyes to mine. Her expression darkens and the next words out of her mouth hurt my heart. “It's okay, I know the answer. You bought me some sleep and time to heal and that's more than I had before you showed up."

"Angel, I—"

"Look, I have no idea why you did what you did or if it was even for me really. I don’t want to know your reason, because I don't care. You need to know though that I have nothing I can give you.Nothingto offer you." She raises her chin and smiles at me sadly, lowering her tone. "At least nothing you'd actually want. It’s probably best if you don’t come back here again. You need to stay away from me. Garrett’s right you know, I’m not worth it.”

With that, she takes the few short steps up, opens the door, steps over the threshold and disappears inside. The faded wooden screen door slams shut behind her and I find myself staring at the empty space she left behind, wishing she’d come back. I sit like that for several minutes, going back over the past few hours, before getting up to start the short walk home.

I'll give her the space she's asking for. I'll give her the time she wants. I’ve got time. I'm patient.

To a point.

I turn and look over my shoulder one more time before leaving.

Oh, but you have no idea, Angel. You are exactly what I want. You're more than worth it.

Chapter Four

Sunny

Thehoursrightbeforedawn are the worst. The silence is deafening. It leaves too much space for my mind to wander and get lost in. The memories get bold, sharpen their teeth, and tear me apart—one small piece at a time.

It's been a while, but there used to be a time I could lay here and calm the monsters, minimize the damage. Convince them to go back to sleep and leave me alone a little longer. I used to be able to dig down under all the dirt and filth I'm buried in and find a few good parts of me left. Pieces that weren't ruined and broken. But now? I think they're all gone. If there were any left I don’t think I’d be so disappointed to wake up every morning.

Mom had a meltdown when she got home and Garrett wasn’t waiting for her. She’d come bursting through the front door, all giggles and blown pupils, party favors in one hand, bottle in the other. She’s nothing if not predictable.

Her expression had gone from ecstatic to shocked to downright pissed in a matter of seconds. I told her the same story I gave the cops about what happened. She's smart though. Even fucked up she's smarter than most cops.

Halfway through my story, her lips twisted and her eyes narrowed into slits. She could see I was lying. I prefer honesty but am smart enough to know that lies have their place. I don't do it often, but I can be good at stretching the truth. But not to the woman standing in front of me. She's a human lie detector when it comes to me.

She didn't call me out on it though. Instead, she went into the kitchen, cracked open the new bottle of whiskey, poured herself a shot, and marched off to her room.

When she came out, she was wearing fresh clothes and muttering to herself about what a selfish prick Garrett was before storming out. She’s at the hospital now. The good news is that while she doesn’t believe the story now, she will eventually. It's easier that way, which is just how she likes it.

I've been lying here staring up at the ceiling trying to breathe through the suffocating tightness in my chest that makes me feel like I'm dying with no luck. Logically I know I'm fine, but my pounding heart and the thoughts racing through my mind are doing their best to convince me otherwise.

I know my mom. There’s no way she's sticking by Garrett while he heals. It’s not in her nature. She’s not a ride or die. She's loyal to herself. Period. Full stop.

It’s not that she doesn't know how to show compassion or empathy. There was a time I remember her being a good mom. A time when we were happy. But then, it all changed. Now, she only shows that side of herself when someone's watching. If there isn't an immediate payoff for her efforts, she doesn't make them. She'll only do uncomfortable for so long.

It occurs to me that maybe I'm more like her than I want to admit because I can’t help but wonder what all of this means for me. I know it's a fucked-up way to think, but even as evil as Garrett is with me, I know what I’m in for with him. I know what to expect. Usually, I'm not such a fucking idiot and can sidestep the worst. What happened today was my fault. I knew better.

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