Page 4 of Lessons in Heartbreak

What did desire look like?

Was it the flexing muscles of a tanned, strong boy with a big smile and knife-sharp jaw? Was it dancing in a dark corner and not worrying that anyone was watching? Was it kisses that stole your breath and greedy hands tearing at clothes?

And love. What did that look like?

Parents hanging your test on the fridge or hugging you when you got the acceptance letter for your master’s program. Friends giving gifts to help you push past your self-inflicted boundaries. A neighbor bringing soup because she knew you were sick.

I couldn’t picture love in other forms. Not in my own day-to-day.

Control, though ... I could picture that so very clearly as I sat cross-legged on the floor.

A miniature version of myself, held in a tight, giant fist of my own making. No matter how I squirmed or fought to get free, every movement was futile. Like King Kong about to ascend a giant spire with the screaming maiden in his hand.

Except I was the maidenandI was King Kong. Wasn’t that a head trip?

For years and years, I’d slowly increased the strength of the grip on my own life until there was no breathing around it. No ignoring its presence. It was a stifling jail of my own making, and I sat in the cell, key in hand.

I was entering my thirtieth year, and I’d never really let myself live. There were no crazy stories, no good memories that I wanted to play in my mind over and over. And I wanted them. Just a few.

“What do you mean,a professional?” I asked warily. Bruiser flopped his big body onto the floor next to me, and I smoothed my hand over the sleek muscles on his side, smiling faintly as he turned onto his back and exposed his belly for scratches.

“Think of it like any problem that needs solving,” Lauren said carefully. “When there’s something wrong in our house, we call an expert to fix it, right? I wouldn’t try to update the wiring or put in new plumbing by myself. I’d need someone who knows what they’re doing.”

I sighed, rubbing a hand over my forehead. “I should know better than to drink around you. I feel like I’m going to regret this entire conversation.”

Lauren smacked my thigh with a laugh. “You had one drink, calm down. Plus, you know I’m right.”

I cut her a look, pairing it with a haughty sniff. “I know no such thing. You’ve yet to arrive to your point for me to make that kind of judgment.”

She inched closer, angling her legs toward me. “Everyone who knows you knows that you are funny and smart and beautiful.” When I rolled my eyes, she merely raised an eyebrow like I’d proven something. “But you need help believing those things. You hide, Ruby, and I don’t want to hear a single argument, because you know it’s true. Your confidence took a hit, and I understand why—that guy was a giant fucking douchebag. He was the absolute worst choice for your first, and I hate that for you.”

I kept my eyes down. “He seemed nice enough at first.”

“They always do.” Lauren covered my hand with hers. “But you were never comfortable around him, were you?”

I bit down on my bottom lip and eventually managed a quick shake of my head.

“You need someone who knows how to make you comfortable and understands how to build your confidence.”

“And where, pray tell, will you find such a man among our nonexistent dating pool in town?” The glint in her eye made me nervous. Then again, every idea Lauren had made me a little nervous. “Oh gosh, what?”

She pulled out my laptop and opened a private browser. “I have an idea that you will probably hate at first, but if you fire up that gorgeous logical brain of yours, you’ll see it’s the very best possible solution.”

Her serious tone had me sitting up straighter, eyeing her doubtfully. “Okay.”

Before Lauren started typing, she gave me a quick, searching look. “How badly do you want to do something about this? Because if you’re genuinely content right now, I’ll back off.”

I laughed quietly. “It’s not that easy, Lauren.”

“Itisthat easy.” Something in her gaze made it impossible for me to look away. “It is, Ruby.”

“How?” I heard myself whisper.

Then her smile spread, something so devious that I probably should’ve ran scared right then just to avoid the knowledge of whatever her brain was plotting. “I need you to trust me.”

“I really, really don’t.”

Lauren grinned, then turned the laptop screen around. Leaning in, I had to squint to read the print. When I did, I looked back at her with wide, horrified eyes.

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