Page 30 of Crash Over Us

The pelican made another pass as if he knew he had an audience and wanted to show me his skills.

A few boats whizzed past. I wondered if Caleb had gone back to the base to complete the paperwork or taken the ferry to Pointe Harbor to see Gabe. He didn’t understand why I was upset. I didn’t want to make things worse for him and push him too hard too fast. I didn’t know what to do except to create space for us. I wasn’t running this time, I was taking a breath. For both of us.

I felt the pier begin to wobble side to side. I didn’t have to turn around to know who was walking toward me. I realized he had done neither of those things. He dropped down beside me.

“Hi.”

“Hi,” I whispered.

He sat a paper bag next to me. “You left without eating breakfast”. He offered me a coffee cup. “Or coffee. Nan packed these up to-go for you.”

“Thanks.” I wanted the coffee the most. I touched it to my lips and took a sip. It was still warm.

“I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry for shutting you out.” Caleb dropped his head. I didn’t expect him to apologize so quickly. Not out of the gate.

“I shut everyone out. I understand. I do get it. I do. It’s what I do best. I’m not even mad you’re doing it. You know that, right?” I watched a flock of seagulls follow the same path the pelican had taken.

“Yeah, but we had a deal. We weren’t going to do that to each other.”

I sipped my coffee. I wanted to say the perfect thing. I wanted him to know that he had given me all the time and space this summer to heal and work through my shit at my own pace. He deserved all the same in return from me.

“The thing is I don’t want to force you to do anything. Or to tell me something before you’re ready. It just caught me off guard that Nan knew it all and I felt like such an idiot. I spent the entire night with you and had no idea what happened to you. I haven’t read the news or turned on the TV because we were together.” I paused. “If it’s big enough to be all over the news, it had to be serious. I know it was because I saw the police and the sheriff and the ambulances. It’s like I’m not supposed to know and that’s what bothers me.”

Caleb nodded. “That’s my fault. It’s because I don’t want you to know, Margot.”

My eyes flashed to his. “What? Why?” I wanted to know what he thought he was protecting me from. That was always Caleb’s goal—keep me safe.

“I don’t want to see that look in your eyes when you look at me. Ever.”

I tried to unscramble my face, although I didn’t know what he had seen reflected from me.

“What look is that?” Was I doing it now? Did he see it?

“Pity,” he answered.

“Caleb, what? Why would I think that? Say that? Look at you any differently?”

He ran his hand over the back of his head. “What happened was fucked up. Gabe’s still not awake. It could have been me instead of him. We both could have been killed.” He buried his face in his hands. “I didn’t know if they were going to shoot us on the boat or throw us overboard. Maybe both. I didn’t want to bleed out in the ocean.”

He shoulders started to jump. He was crying. I placed the coffee down and wrapped both my arms around him.

“Oh God. Caleb. I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”

He his body lean against mine. He was heavy, but I could take it. I could take all the weight and his pain. I kissed his forehead.

He sniffed. “I’m fine. I am. I’m pissed. I’m angry my best friend is in the hospital. I’m angry they thought they could steal from us.” I felt the air exhaling from his body when he started to cry again. “I didn’t want to leave you. I thought it when I was on the boat. I thought about what it would do to you.”

“No. No, no, no. Shh.” I feathered my fingers through his dark hair. “I’m okay. We’ll get through this.”

“I know anytime I’m out there on a rescue things could go sideways,” he explained. “They trained us for that.” He sniffed. “But it’s never happened when I had you. That changed everything for me.”

He nodded, straightening his back. He wiped the tears with the backs of his hands. I thought about how many times he had seen me cry. How I had fallen apart in front of him. He’d found me on the floor, in my bed, and in the closet. All those times he had picked me up and taken care of me. He made sure I had water to drink and food to eat. He made sure I slept. That he was there to put his arms around me. He’d wiped away thousands of my tears.

My thumb moved to his cheek and brushed away a tear. “I love you, Caleb. I’m sorry this happened to you and Gabe. But not for one single second will I pity you. I promise you.”

“I liked it better when we were focused on fucking.”

I laughed. “You would.” I wrapped my arms around him. He took a deep breath against my neck. I held him, like all the times he had held me.

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