Page 22 of Bad At Love

“How is it you don’t know that he loves you?” Mona fired back.

“Yes, but like a friend.”

“Like a man who adores a womanandwants to get into her pantsandshare his life with her,” Mona said with her usual, not always annoying this much, assertiveness.

Chaaru gripped the edge of the bathtub. “Did he say this to you?”

“It’s clear to anyone with a little common sense.”

DP wanted to share his life with her?Chaaru blinked, but the tears came anyway. “I wish you had warned me, Mona.”

“Will you please tell me what happened?” Mona’s voice gentled.

“It came out. His feelings for me. Then, he…said he needed to get me out of his head. Whatever that means.”

“Wait, did he propose? Declare it in song? Proposition you with a dirty joke?”

Chaaru knew Mona was trying to pull her away from the ledge, but it didn’t work. “No. See, that’s the thing. He said he’d never put the weight of his feelings on me. But that he had to make changes in his life. And he gave me back his copy of my house key. He had it since I signed the papers to buy the house, with him sitting by my side. My successes, failures, and everything in between, he’s been there.”

“Let’s forget how DP is an understanding man-fool who cares too much about you,” Mona said with renewed gusto. “What doyoufeel?”

“I told him it was impossible.”

“Is it impossible, Char?”

When Chaaru opened her mouth to protest automatically, Mona held up a hand. “This is me, okay? There’s no thought or emotion that’s wrong here.Is itimpossible that you and DP transition from friend-zone to something deeper?”

“We had this silent, angsty eye-fuck that was better than ten orgasms with my vibrator,” Chaaru admitted, heat streaking through her under the cooling mud.

“Hot damn…” Mona said, clapping so hard that the sound echoed up from the cavernous ceiling. “Then, may I please ask, what the fuck is the problem?”

Chaaru rubbed her arms, wishing there was a bath to cleanse out her fears too. Reverting her to the bright, bold, fearless twenty-one-year-old she’d been once. Before her ex had crushed every inch of hope and confidence she’d had with his constant, relentless criticism. “You know what the problem is…Me. I don’t want a man telling me how to stand, sit, talk or smile ever again.”

“You and I both know DP would never be that man. Likeever. Like, not in a million bizarre universes that Sanjana dreams up for her comic novels.” Then Mona, adorable Mona, scrunched her brow and stared at Chaaru. As if she’d suddenly discovered that her best friend was a monkey, and she had the impossible job of teaching said monkey manners. “You know that, right?”

“DP would never,” Chaaru agreed.

“So?”

“If things don’t work out, because I’mme, I couldn’t bear it. I couldn’t lose him.” Tears ran freely down her cheeks now, making a nice paste of the mud caked into her face. So much for rejuvenated skin. She was now drowning in tears, snot, and mud. “I’d shrivel up if he thinks I’m not… smart enough or beautiful enough or worthy enough. Not good enough.”

And then she heard those words in her head, as if some outside voice was playing them. Her stomach twisted in horror.

It had been a favorite litany of her ex’s—calling her too tall, too broad, too blunt, too-everything for a woman. Whatever she wore, however she dressed and spoke...there had been no pleasing him.

That insidious memory, sitting deep in her psyche like a coiled snake, waiting to attack her at a vulnerable moment…made her angry. Made her want to shuffle through her insides, looking for more.

“Oh, sweetie,” Mona said, pushing herself out of the tub. One hand over her boobs and one between her legs, she waddled across the tiled floor and climbed into Chaaru’s tub.

Two rhinoceroses waddling in mud at the zoo would have been more elegant. A bark of laughter escaped Chaaru.

Tsking and shushing, Mona’s arm came around hers and Chaaru tucked her head into her friend’s shoulder.

“Most men are clueless, but babe, the one you were married to was…a special brand of bad. Like all the toxic stuff in the world had been poured into his head. And when you married him, you were twenty-one, practically a baby. Not this badass you’re now.” Mona tapped her wrist, as if to brace Chaaru for what was coming next. “I…hate saying this, but you’re still seeing yourself through his eyes. You’re letting that asshole win after everything you’ve fought for.”

Chaaru hiccupped.

“I wish, just for a second,” Mona said, her voice incredibly gentle, “you could see yourself through my eyes. Or Kaasi’s or DP’s or Kash’s. I wish…I could somehow scoop out the hurt he left behind in you and send it down the drain.”

---