Page 57 of Bad At Love

For the first time in the twenty years that she’d known him, his perfect understanding of her confusion rattled Chaaru.

She wanted to be pushed into a decision, she realized with mounting alarm. She wanted him to sweep her up and seduce her into saying yes to whatever he wanted. But that wasn’t how DP operated.

And he knew,and she knew, that whatever she gave him under the cloud of passion, she’d regret it.That’s why he’s pulling back, she told herself, but the reassurance sounded hollow.

“Char?”

“I’m all upside down,” she said, admitting the truth, “and the number of things flashing through my mind when I consider…”

“Don’t consider any of them. Finish your vacation on a high note and ring in the new year with Mona and Kash as you planned to. Leave this here. Leaveushere.”

“How?” she demanded with such force that heads turned toward them. She flushed, not wanting to create a scene. But not willing to back down anymore either. Gazing into his eyes, she lowered her voice. “Is that what you’re planning to do—leaveushere?”

He sighed. “I was waiting until tomorrow evening to tell you, but I guess I can do it now.”

Her heart gave a loud thump against her ribcage, as if begging her to finish this soon. To put it out of its misery. “What is it?”

“When we return home,” he said, “I’m leaving for a two-month trip through Southeast Asia.”

The bottom dropped out of Chaaru’s body, her world. “When did you decide this? When I asked you, you said you had made no concrete plans.”

It felt like betrayal, but how could it be when he didn’t owe her anything?

“This last month, when we weren’t talking and things got awkward, I took a hard look at my life. I spent most of my twenties resentful of my responsibilities. Then the last few years learning to live with the fact that I had nothing without TJ and Maggie taking up space in my life. Then, I was bemoaning losing you without ever acting on…Anyway, I sat down and made a list.”

There was such a bright light in his eyes when he said that that Chaaru boxed up her worries for the moment. “What’s on this list? Tell me.”

“Travel. Joining a poetry club. Spending my hard-earned money on once-in-a-lifetime experiences. I’ve always wanted to explore the world. But I put my dreams on back-burner for so long that I forgot they existed.”

His exhale was long and deep, his eyes swimming with regrets that Chaaru couldn’t bear to see. She lifted his hands to her mouth, kissing each knuckle with all the love in her heart.

“Are you sure you want to hear this? I don’t want to bore you with the details.”

She shook her head, blinking back tears. “This is your life we’re talking about. I want to know everything, DP. I want you to find the happiness and excitement you need.” Even if he didn’t ask her to be a part of it.

He nodded. “Right before I left for SFO, TJ told me he’s moving in with his girlfriend. I realized I lived my whole life in that house. And how lonely I would be without him messing up everything. How entrenched I have become in a rut. So, I reached out to some friends, did some research, trawled through online groups and joined a mountaineering group based out of SFO.”

He traced the dark red swirls of mehndi on her palms, keeping her anchored to him when she’d have fragmented. Of course, he was finally building a life for himself, and she should be elated for him. She would be any moment, she told herself.

“I’ve got enough staff running the firm now that I can take a few weeks off here and there. When you asked me, the mountaineering group didn’t have a spot in the near future. Last night, I got an email that someone dropped out.”

Chaaru tried to stop the dazed feeling from showing up in her face. No way was she going to let her new desperation trip his plans.

How ironic that the moment he told her he would be out of reach was when everything slid into place in her heart?

She didn’t care how they’d manage their finances or their living situations or her debt or his mountaineering or anything else. All she wanted was to spend her life with this man. She might not have asked the mehndi artist to draw his initials into her palm like Mona had Dom’s, but they were already inked on her heart.

Waking up together, trying new restaurants, going on adventures, staying in and watching movies, spending a rainy day in bed with him…she wanted the adventure, the quiet and still moments, and she wanted it all with him.

“I think that’s the best thing I’ve heard since Mona’s decision to throw this party,” she said, forcing a cheer into her words. Though she didn’t have to try too hard. She’d seen the light of excitement in his eyes and knew he needed this desperately. Knew that his happiness, his search for that spark inside him mattered more than her own selfish need to give this a label at this last moment.

“Yeah?” he said, a flicker of doubt shadowing his earlier excitement. “I didn’t tell anyone and right now, I feel all kinds of stupid.”

“What? Why?”

“Sounds like a mid-life crisis, no? I can just imagine what TJ and Maggie will say and I-”

Chaaru pressed her hand to his mouth. “Nuh, huh. None of that, DP. If they aren’t elated for you, then they…no, there’s no way they won’t be happy that you’re finally doing something for yourself. Just don’t…like fall off a cliff somewhere and die, okay? I couldn’t bear to…”

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