Page 74 of Wicked Tricks

“Yeah,” I choked through the dark.

The girls were all there, curled up on the couch in the living room. I sighed, annoyed that everyone just had to choose tonight to congregate at the house. The movie that they were watching was paused, so they obviously heard me coming.

The apartment was pitch black except from the light of the large screen.

“What happened?” Livie asked.

“I’m going to bed guys,” was all I managed.

Before they responded I almost jogged down the hall to my bedroom. The heat in my chest and lump in my throat were building. I opened my door, and slammed it behind me.

I tore my clothes off, throwing them to the floor, and that was as far as I got before the emotion took over.

I heaved quietly, tears streaming down my face.

“Babe?” there was a gentle knock and Bea’s voice at the door, “are you OK?”

I inhaled deeply, “yeah,” I choked out.

“OK, we’re here if you need.”

“OK,” I squeaked before clasping a hand over my mouth to muffle the whimper of pain escaping again. I heard her footsteps recede, and I leaned against the door, sliding down it and landing on the ground with a thump.

Drawing my knees to my chest tightly, I curled into a safe position on the floor in front of my doorway, and it all came out.

Why was I like this?

It wasn’t just this man that I was crying over, it was anger at myself.

Antoni’s words tonight had acted like a mirror and shown me the ugly and broken parts of myself that I had been trying for so long to ignore.

Before him it was easy.

I never even considered that I could be a different way, that my life could look a different way. It was just how things were.

This was who I was.

But what if I didn’t want to be this anymore?

Could I ever truly be happy, existing as I always had? Would I be forever doomed to live in survival mode, pushing everyone away to protect myself?

I felt ashamed.

Ashamed at my role in the downfall of Lilith’s.

Ashamed at how I had let Diana and the girls down.

Ashamed at how I had reacted with Antoni.

And ashamed at how I was acting right now.

Before now, if I had ever seen someone behaving as I was, I would’ve rolled my eyes and scoffed at them for being so weak. Yet here I was. I was a pathetic mess on the floor.

Years of suppressed pain came flooding out of me all at once.

After all that had just happened, I silently wished that Antoni would show up at my door again, just like the other night, and take me into his arms. I cried for hours, my eyes stinging as I watched the sunrise from the same position that I had collapsed in. The tears had only recently slowed, but I realised I had forced myself to stay awake all night in case he showed up.

But he didn’t.

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