Page 87 of Wicked Tricks

“Fine,” I said quietly.

“I’m sorry, what was that?” Beanca put a hand to her ear and leaned in closer to hear me.

“Fine!”

“Fine? Like… fine, you were right, why-did-I-even-try-and-doubt-your-eternal-wisdom, Bea?”

I smiled, shaking my head and Bea handed me my shot and she raised her glass.

“Say it,” she said.

“Come on,” I said, rolling my eyes, going to take my shot.

She grabbed my wrist, “say it!”

“Fine! I like him okay, I don’t know why, but I do. Not that it matters any more.”

Bea and Jenna both shot me a sympathetic smile but toasted me nonetheless, we each took our shots and groaned in unison.

Jenna was summoned by an elderly regular customer who we saw all the time, and I returned a wave as he greeted us briefly.

“So,” Bea nudged me.

“So, what?”

“So, Antoni wasn’t the one who busted us. He didn’t betray you.”

“It doesn’t matter, OK. I would just look fucking stupid to go back now.”

Bea groaned again, getting visibly agitated at me, “who cares!?”

I took a deep breath and she paused, looking intently at me, trying to read my face.

“Who? Cares?” she repeated, “you can’t fight people off for the rest of your life. It’s completely possible that anyone could hurt you, Rome. Anyone. Fuck, we didn’t think Sierra would do what she did! This guy still wanted to be with you after everything that’s happened. There’s power in vulnerability, ya know. You can’t always control who hurts you, but keep it up and you’ll never give anyone a chance to make you happy either. For someone who tries really hard to be tough, you’re very much controlled by fear.”

I nodded, staring at the bar, avoiding her eyes.

I couldn’t argue with her, because she was right.

Acting was easier, pretending was easier.

If I never got close enough to people, how could they hurt me? Until recently, that game plan was working out pretty well. For so long, I couldn’t have imagined ever wanting more than what I had at that very moment.

I went from a twice-orphaned foster kid living on the streets, to living in a high rise apartment with more cash than I could ever spend. Plus my wonderful found family that I would die for - how could I want more than that?

I should be grateful, I should be satisfied with what I had.

But I did want more.

Ever since I had dropped Grace off to her family, and witnessed Beth’s suburban love story right in front of me - I couldn’t erase the fantasy from my mind. It wasn’t that I wanted to pack up and move to the country to start reproducing, but I wanted the warmth that I felt and saw in Will’s eyes as he looked at Beth. The way that Beth melted and relaxed instantly at his touch, like he was a walking, breathing, home to her.

I wanted that.

It took some inner wrestling to even admit that quietly to myself inside my head.

Sitting in that dark bar with my best friend, I mustered the strength.

The type of strength that I hadn’t grasped at in a long time.

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