As much as I didn’t need him to make me safe or to protect me, as he said the words, I realised more and more that it’s what I wanted. This character that I had built for myself was no longer what I needed, nor what I wanted.
I didn’t want to continue the act anymore.
I was tired.
I was tired of being on guard, ready to attack at any time.
The buildup of cars on the road was heavy, people were heading out of the city for the weekend. Many honked and beeped at me as I laced myself in and out through the lanes.
I didn’t know where I was going.
I focused on calming my breathing, with a hand on my heart as it rattled in my chest. It had been many years since I had a panic attack, but I was pretty sure I was having one at this moment. I swallowed the hard lump in my throat and looked in my rear-view mirror, noticing a familiar black car driving as stupidly as I was. He was gaining on me, and I glanced at my new phone on the passenger seat - he was calling me.
Letting out a forced and hysterical chuckle, I shook my head.
I bought this phone not 24 hours ago. I had not contacted him, yet he had already found my number. It was a brutal reminder of the power that this man possessed.
Shaking my head, I gripped the steering wheel tighter as I put even more pressure on the accelerator pedal.
It was a game of cat and mouse, as I changed lanes, so would he. My phone did not stop ringing, he tried over and over to get through. With an internal scream, I picked up the phone, wound my window down and launched it out, narrowly missing his windscreen as he caught my tail. He swerved out of the way, pulling back a bit to weave himself into the lane next to mine. I stole a glance over to him, and his window was down, the wind ripping through his wispy hair.
“Pull over!” he mouthed, pointing to the side of the road.
My jaw hardened, and I looked away from him, pressing forward and trying to put space between us.
The cars around us fell back, and it was just us on the wide road.
I stole another glance as I saw his car get closer to mine in my peripherals.
He was swerving towards me, trying to force me off the road.
“Rome!” he mouthed, “pull over!”
I shook my head again, and I saw his mouth harden into a line as he hit the gas, pulling in front of me, and turning into my lane.
“Shit!” I screamed, as his car cut mine off, forcing me off the road.
I pulled off onto the narrow patch of gravel next to the busy highway, and he did too, parking in front of me so I could not escape even if I wanted to.
I got out of the car, slamming my door as hard as I could.
“What thefuck, Antoni! Are you fucking insane?” I yelled, putting my hands on his chest and pushing him backwards as hard as I could as he approached me.
“No, you let me speak and you fucking listen!” he shouted gruffly, pointing a finger at me, “I told you that first night that we spent together that I wasn’t fucking playing these games. From the moment I met you, I’ve had everyone around me in my ear, telling me what to do, what I should do. But I meant what I said. I want you, Rome.”
I looked up at him as the words fell out of his mouth.
“Here,” he snapped, taking the gun from out of his waistband. He grabbed my hand, slapping the metal piece into my palm. “If you need to keep this gun between us in order for you to feel safe, I’m fine with that. I know you don’t trust me, I don’t expect you to. I know I haven’t given you a reason to, but I damn well want to try.”
I toyed with the cold metal in my hand, looking at it instead of him.
“Tell me now if you don’t feel the same. Look me in the eye and tell me you don’t want me and I promise that you’ll never see me again. But if I don’t hear those words, I’m never going to stop until I prove to you that I will not hurt you. From now on, my life will be dedicated to making you feel safe.”
I looked to the ground, shaking my head. I crossed my arms across my body, holding myself together because I felt like I might fall apart.
He spoke words that I didn’t know that I wanted to hear.
I couldn’t look at him, I couldn’t speak.