Page 56 of Designation: Null

Robert finally looks at him, really looks at him, and he must realize that Logan is even more of a mess than he is. “God. Come here, sweetheart,” Robert orders.

“Hold on,” Jim says, trying to keep them apart.

But Robert opens his arms in invitation and that is where Logan belongs. Logan is across the room in three steps, arms winding around Robert’s neck, pressing as close as he can against him, a long line of comfort and heat.

Thisis what Logan needed.Whohe needed.

Logan sobs hard, and Robert holds him and kisses his neck and the space behind his ear. “I’m sorry. What do I do now?” Logan asks, clinging harder.

“Nothing! We’re just different, Logan. That’s all it is. And there is… there is no shame in what you need to stay stable.” Robert squeezes him tightly and then loosens his hold, which is awful. Logan clings tightly to him but it’s one-sided.

“I can’t meet your masochistic needs, Logan. I don’t want to and I can’t,” Robert says sadly. “I’m sorry.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I don’t want to punish you and I don’t want you to punish yourself. That isn’t who I am.”

Logan whimpers. It feels like his heart is being ripped out of his chest.

“There’s nothing wrong with being a masochist, sweetheart. But I don’t like that for you. It doesn’t feel right. And, after everything I’ve been through, I just… I can’t be a party to this and remain objective. Not even for you.”

“Why… why do you say not even for me?” he asks, pressing close to Robert’s neck.

Robert sighs, putting his fingers gently to Logan’s face and urging him up. To look him in the eye and have this conversation once and for all.

“Because the truth is that I am drawn to you, Logan. Not just as a friend but as a Dominant. If you were open to exploring your submissive side, then I would ask you out. Hell, we’d have to be worried about me claiming you. I would do my best to seduce you and keep you. I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anyone. Not as a friend, not as a family member, but as mine. I’d do just about anything to make that happen if you were willing. I could be as patient as you needed me to be. And there are things I wouldn’t ever have to do to you if you didn’t want them. But what I can’t do is hurt you. And I can’t watch you hurt yourself. Because I don’t think this is true to who you are. You’re punishing yourself instead of accepting your submissive side, and I can’t stand by and watch you do this.”

“Then… I won’t hurt myself. I’ll stop,” Logan offers.

Robert’s smile is forced. “It isn’t that easy. If you’re a masochist and you love to be hurt, then you’ll seek it out. You’ll hide it from me and be upset with the fact that I can’t give you what you need. You’d wind up doing worse than this before too long. Because you don’t accept your submissive self. And as long as you’re fighting yourself, determined to be null and using masochism to stay in that designation, then we have no future.”

“No. You’re saying this like it’s obvious, like you know all about me, and you don’t. I’m not like them. Other… submissives,” he says, struggling to get that word out.

“I know. You’ve told me. Your file told me. You’re not submissive. And that’s going to be your position for as long as possible. But I like submissives, Logan. I love submission and taking care of submissives. And I want you to be my submissive. But I’m not a sadist.”

“I don’t like being covered in blood! I don’t like doing it, it just feels like the right thing to do. It’s the only thing that keeps me null. When my submissive levels rise, it gets me back into range. At least, it used to. But I’m so far down into the submissive range… If I gave in and didn’t fight my designation, then could we be together? Do you mean it? That you’d claim me if I wanted you to?” he asks, the idea springing fully formed into his mind. Isn’t that another way out of his predicament? Get Robert to be his Dominant of Record, to be responsible for him, and maybe his father would have to let him go? “And then you’ll tell me to stop hurting myself and I will. Couldn’t you make sure of it?”

“Logan, I’d be your Dominant in a heartbeat. God, if it was that easy, we could call it a done deal right now.”

“Then let’s do that!” he begs.

Robert’s voice is rough with command. “Listen to me. If you want to be with me, then you would need to agree to some things.”

Logan nods and blinks, more tears sliding down his face.

“Robert, slow down,” Jim says, and Logan jolts. He’d forgotten Jim was there, so wrapped up in Robert and the conversation they’re having.

Robert ignores him. “There wouldn’t beanyblood, Logan. Not ever. All of your toys would go. All of your pills. And… I don’t know if I’d trust you. At least not in the beginning. I care about you so much, I’m so crazy about you, so worried about how you might hurt yourself that I wouldn’t let you out of my sight.”

Logan sniffles. “Fine. I don’twantto bleed,” he whispers quietly. “And I don’t want to be out of your sight.”

Robert kisses Logan on the forehead, possibly wishing it was actually this easy. “Logan, honey, if you were mine, you’d be submissive. Do you understand? If the pain and drugs are keeping you null and I take those away from you, your whole life will change. And as far as I can tell, that’s the last thing you want. If there is a sweet submissive boy buried inside you, then I want to find him and take care of him. I’dencourageyour submission. I’d push you if I thought it was good for you and our relationship.”

“As long as no one can take me away from you, I’ll do it,” Logan whispers. And that’s the truth. As he says it, the rightness of the words slams into him. “I want to be with you, I just didn’t think I could have that or would find someone I’d be willing to… submit to.” Okay, that word might still be a little difficult to say.

“Be specific, Robert. He doesn’t understand,” Jim says.

Logan glares at him.

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