Page 83 of From Air

“What are you talking about?”

She knows. I don’t know how, but she does. However, I’m not handing her one damn thing. If she does know, she’ll have to say the words.

“I’ve never cared that you’ve been hell bent on living a bachelor’s life for eternity. Marriage and babies aren’t for everyone. And I honestly believed you were incapable of that kind of love.” She blinks up at me. “But, Calvin Fitzgerald, you fell in love with Jamie. And she fell in love with you. And you ...” Her eyes narrow as she slowly shakes her head. “You let her go. You found love. And. Let. Her. Go.”

I can lie to Maren when I think the lie will do less harm than the truth. I no longer know if I have an accurate version of the truth. Is my truth the same as Jamie’s? “We’re friends. Close friends.”

“Did you sleep with yourclose friend?” She doesn’t blink, but I’m sure all the previous suspicious incidents (close calls) are replaying in her mind. She’s known the answer without reallyknowingthe answer.

“Yes,” I whisper.

“Do you love her?”

“Yes.”

Maren’s lips part with a tiny gasp. She didn’t expect that answer.

Neither did I.

“Fitz, what are you doing?” Her voice is soft but laced with pain. “You were put on this earth to do more than fight fires. I’d give anything to find someone who made me want to risk losing my home. Losing my friends. Losingeverything. That kind of love is a goddamn gift. You don’t let her walk away.”

I won’t give Maren a knee-jerk reaction. Instead, I hold on to my words to ensure they’re the right ones. I let her see the sincerity in my eyes. And then I hope ... Ireallyhope she understands enough to respect my decision. “You’re right. She is a gift—just not mine.” I rest my hand on her shoulder briefly before heading to my bedroom. “Have a safe flight, Mare.”

“I’m not going to tell Will. What’s the point?” she says.

I stop with my back to her.

“You’re not the easiest guy to like. You’re reserved and cut off from most other people. Jamie’s not stupid. She’s a beautiful, kind, and intelligent woman who could have her choice of men. Yet she fell in love with you. I do not doubt that you never led her to believe it would go anywhere. You’re too broken.”

I wince.

“So that means she likes you, Fitz. She likes you enough to take you any way she can get you. She didn’t die. She moved to California. Be her friend. Reward her for leaving you by giving her whatever part of yourself you can. She doesn’t actually have to be yours for you to love her.”

Fitz: Know of any good salves for burn scars?

I make an effort. It’s foreign to me. I don’t know what a genuine effort should look like. And I’m scared out of my fucking mind that I’m leading her to think we can be more than friends.

Fitz: Maybe something that can double as a testicle lube because it has nut oil

I grab my keys and head out before the sun rises. There’s a good chance I won’t return home for several weeks.

Just as I climb into my truck, my phone vibrates.

Jaymes: It’s 4 am here. You’re an asshole

I grin, and it feels like life. By the time I get to the base, there are two more texts from her.

Jaymes: I’ll have it sent to u.

Jaymes: Venmo me $30

Fitz: U make more $

Fitz: U should gift it to me

“It’s too damn early in the morning for any rational human to have that monstrous smile. Who sent you titty pics?” Todd asks when we reach the door at the same time.

“Your sister.” I open the door for him.

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