Page 128 of From Air

Living a lie is a painful existence.

So is losing the person you love most in the world. I’ve lost Fitz; I just can’t bring myself to tell him yet. Every day, I wake up hoping it is nothing more than a bad dream.

“I’ve had a cold. Sorry. I’ve been sleeping and working. How are you?”

“Good. Hope you’re feeling better.”

“Yeah. I’m getting there.”

“Are you still okay with flying with my grandma to Missoula for Thanksgiving?”

I pour a second glass of wine. Fuck, this hurts.

“She’s never been to Missoula to visit me. No pressure, but she’s really excited.”

I bat away a few tears and take an ample gulp of wine before humming, “Mm-hmm. I’ve got it.”

“You sure everything’s okay? I know I screwed up Halloween with my attitude and by dumping the entirety of my past onto you. I have no clue how to navigate this. There’s a hundred percent chance I’ll fuck this up.”

Swallowing a sob, I bite my lips together and fight for an even breath and a brave, steady voice. “You won’t. Have you”—I wipe the last few tears—“been putting out any fires?”

“I’ve only jumped once since Halloween.”

“How are Maren and Will?”

“Annoying.”

I find something to pass off as a tiny laugh. “And Evette and Gary?”

“Old and boring.”

Again, I laugh, but this time it’s real. It also pulls more tears from me. Fitz has finally decided to give us a chance. A true chance. He’s opened up to me. We’re spending a holiday together with his grandma. And all I can think about is the family I have. The ones who let me go. The ones who have died. Theonewho is living with demons. When I redirect my thoughts to Fitz again, I search for the words.

I contemplate the right time.

The right place.

There’s never the right place or time to destroy something beautiful. I’m sure that’s how Fitz felt when Dwight started the fire that killed his family.

“Tell Edith I’ll call her after I purchase the tickets. I need to make sure my time off is approved.”

“I’ll tell her.”

Taking one of his tissue flowers from the blue glass, I twirl it between my fingers. “I need to shower and wash a load of laundry.”

“No phone sex tonight?”

Emotion hits me again, and it takes a few seconds to regain my composure. “Do something special for Mrs. Wilke. I bet she’s felt pretty neglected.” Pinching the bridge of my nose, I close my eyes. Everythinghurts. I know life isn’t easy. Bad things happen to good people. Not everything has a rhyme or reason.

Still, I feel like I’m being punished. Was I an awful person in another life? Or is this a sins-of-the-father kind of fate?

“Mrs. Wilke it is.” Fitz chuckles.

This is where I say something more. A jab. A snarky comment. Something inappropriate. Yet I have nothing.

He begins to speak, but my phone cuts out for a second. I glance at the screen. “Sorry. Melissa’s calling me. Talk later?”

“Sure,” he says.

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