Page 38 of The Apple Tree

After a minute of hesitation, I felt him lie next to me.

“Attaboy.” I grinned.

“I’m older. I should be the influencer, but I fear you’re the bad influence on me.”

“Because I’m fun?”

He hesitated, and I wanted to peek into his brain to see everything I knew he wouldn’t say.

“You’re … something.”

I giggled. “I’m going to pretend you think I’m something good.”

He neither confirmed nor denied my assumption.

“Does Josh know his mom?” I held my breath, hoping he wouldn’t up and leave me.

“No.”

“Does he ask about her?”

“No.”

I waited to ask another question because I didn’t want to upset him by sounding overly anxious for answers. “And you weren’t married?”

“No.”

“Me neither.”

Kyle chuckled.

“Do you have a good relationship with your family? I think my father would disown me if I had a baby out of wedlock. And since your brother is a pastor too, I bet he wasn’t happy. Huh?”

“We have an older sister who has been arrested twice and to rehab more times than I can count. And she’s had at least two abortions that I know of. My family loves Josh. And I have agood enoughrelationship with them. I can’t be responsible for anyone’s happiness but my own. Even Josh will grow up and find his own way in life, and his happiness will be out of my control.”

I couldn’t be with Kyle and not have my crush on him intensify. The problem was that no matter how hard I tried to convince everyone else that I was an adult, he made me feel like a young girl with hearts in my eyes and unrealistic dreams of falling for the guy who consumed my every thought. But my tenacity was bigger than all of that self-doubt. So I rolled toward him, resting my head on my outstretched arm.

His head lulled to the side, gazing at me.

“I want to live like you,” I said.

Lines formed along his forehead.

“I want to feel in control of my happiness. I don’t want to live my life for anyone else. And if I make mistakes, I want to find something good to take from them. I want to be fearless.”

The corner of his mouth twitched. “You think I’m fearless.”

“Well, I think you seem fearless. You’re raising a child on your own. Maybe you’re just doing a good job of acting brave and mature. I’m trying to be brave bynotattending college because I don’t want to conform. I don’t want to be part of the herd. I just want to be myself and go wherever that leads me. Maybe that means I’ll spend most of my life doing odd jobs like cleaning motel rooms. I might not have a big house or a fancy car, but I don’t care. I want my work to be an afterthought. Ya know? When someone thinks of Eve Jacobson, I want them to think,‘Oh, yeah. Eve loves to fish, stargaze, skip rocks along the water, pick apples and bake pies, dance to good music, go to the movies with friends, and make love in fields of wildflowers.’ I don’t want them thinking, ‘There’s Eve Jacobson; she cleans motel rooms and never went to college.’ But that’s what they’ll think. So I want to be fearless like you and not care what they think.”

He chuckled. “What makes you think I don’t care what other people think?”

I smirked. “Duh. You’re a math teacher.”

“Which is an admirable profession.”

“Mr. Collins, I’m not sure admirable is the right word. I wasn’t an A student in English, but admirable implies people admire you for being a math teacher, like they think being a math teacher is cool and you make them want to be a math teacher.”

He snickered. “Miss Jacobson, you’re thinking of the word envy or inspiring. Admire or admirable means you regard someone with respect. It can also mean you look at someone with great pleasure. I don’t want to be an astronaut, but I admire them.”

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