Page 83 of From Nowhere

“Are you implying Lola is insecure?”

Tia takes several gulps of her fiber drink before rubbing her lips together. “I’m implying she doesn’t live in the real world.”

I chuckle. “How do you figure?”

“She can’t get over Brynn’s death. She won’t get into a car. And everyone around her is allowing her to make up her own version of reality. So if she likes your friend and decides your friend should be more than a friend, I fear you’ll let it happen. But it won’t end well because raising that girl is a full-time job. Why do you think Amos and I are living with you?”

“How am I letting her make up her own version of reality?”

“By riding your goddamn bike everywhere. It’s time for you to stand up to her. Get in a car like a man to prove that her world won’t end.” She lifts her glass to her lips.

“What if it does end? What if she loses me? How much is too much?”

Tia continues drinking. When the glass is empty, she sets it in the sink and stares at it with a focused gaze. “If you die, her world won’t end.”

“No?” I take another bite of the apple and chew it. “But will her world be a place she wants to live in? Will she be happy? Or will she live with even more debilitating isolation? Will she refuse to leave the house? Will she end up in a psych ward or be heavily medicated for the rest of her life? Everyone has a different breaking point. I don’t want to find her breaking point. I want to empower her.”

Tia scowls at me, but she doesn’t speak.

“She’ll get back to riding in a car,” I say. “And when she does, she’ll feel empowered. If you can’t stay, then I’ll figure something out. But I can’t test her breaking point because as much as I’m her whole world, she is even more so mine.” I stop short of saying the rest: Maren has become an important person in my life too. I need help, and Tia and Amos are the best help for now. So I’ll continue to walk this thin line and deal with the future if and when it comes.

“You can’t ask us to watch you pursue another woman. Brynn was our daughter and ...” Tia swallows hard, eyes reddening. “You just can’t ask that of us,” she whispers before returning to her bedroom.

This is not just about Lola. It’s been two years, and I’ve never looked for someone to date. Brynn continues to live in my mind. I think about her every single day.

I miss her every day.

But as sure as Tia can’t help how she feels about me showing interest in another woman, I can’t pretend I don’t know Maren. I can’t pretend that I don’t have strong feelings for her.

My alarm makes a chiming sound at five on Friday morning. It’s the least-annoying sound on my phone, but it’s not how I used to wake up each morning.

Brynn was an early riser—up at five every morning for a long jog. She called it “getting her mind organized” for the day. She woke me by six—showered and filling the bedroom with the sweet rosewater scent of her conditioner.

This morning, I spent thirty minutes lifting weights, ten minutes showering and brushing my teeth, and two minutes changing my sheets on the hopeful chance that Maren wasn’t lying about knocking on my window at six.

Do I wear a shirt or stick to my briefs since that’s what I sleep in? Could I be more of a girl about this? Fussing over what to wear.I’m an idiot.

Proving that Iama girl, my heart skips when there’s a tap at my window. I turn on the light beside my bed, pull the blinds, and slide open the window.

Maren bites her lip for a second. “I got to thinking that maybe you’d rather sleep in,” she whispers while I help her inside and shut the window and blinds.

I slide my hands into her hair, gazing at her makeup-less face, which has a natural, beautiful glow. Her blue eyes are alight with life, and she makes it hard to breathe.

She furrows her brow. “Is your hair wet?” She touches the hair above my ear.

“I worked out and showered.”

We keep our voices just above a whisper.

Her smile fades. “So much for me climbing in bed with you, since you’re up and ready for the day.”

I gesture to my nearly naked body. “Why would you say that? I’m simply showered and ready for whatever you have to offer.”

Her fingers trace my tattoos. I’d like to say it doesn’t immediately elicit an erection, but it does. “There might not be anything sexier than a man with his daughter’s name tattooed on his body.”

I tip my chin to watch her trace it. “When Brynn was in her final month of pregnancy with Lola, she thought I needed a tattoo. It was so random and spur of the moment. We passed a tattoo parlor, and she told me I needed one. Who was I to argue with a pregnant woman? It took three visits to complete it, but it was finished two days before she went into labor with Lola. She wanted an angel tattoo. A guardian angel to symbolize I was her protector. I wasn’t feeling it, so I suggested a dragon, which she vetoed. Then, with the help of the tattoo artist, I talked her into my favorite tools spelling Lola’s name. And yes, we had a moment, after the fact, where we worried that the ultrasound was wrong, and Lola might come out with a penis.” I chuckle. “But I still think I need a dragon to symbolize protection, strength, power, and knowledge.”

Maren lifts her gaze, keeping her warm hand on my stomach. “Some Christians believe dragons are monsters of death from the chaotic sea.”

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