Page 117 of A Good Book

“I’m sorry Ben was the one who told you.” I sat on my bed and tucked my knees under a large T-shirt.

Mom returned a slight nod while looking out my window, arms hugging herself. She had a nervous disposition that felt like my own. “You didn’t have to keep it.”

I squinted. “The baby?”

She nodded, leaving me speechless.

“When you were almost twelve, I got pregnant.” She turned toward me, displaying a vulnerability I had never seen. “I was done raising babies. It felt like it was anything but a blessing, a gift from God. I felt weak and hopeless. And I just …” She shook her head. “I didn’t want to do it. Icouldn’t.” She wiped a few tears. “So I took a bottle of pills. And I was gone for a few days. Your dad told you girls I was having some routine testing. And that was it. No baby.”

I cleared my throat. “You took the pills to kill the baby?”

Mom’s face tensed while she averted her gaze.

She took the pills to kill herself.

“Gabriella,” she sat next to me and squeezed my hand, “I know your dad preaches that God doesn’t give us more than we can handle, but … I don’t know if that’s true.”

She blew up my world.

I wanted to be my mom—hard-working, a loving mom, and loyal wife. I had always admired her strong faith and commitment to our family. Of course, I knew she wasn’t perfect, but I thought she was awfully close.

I released my legs from the confines of my T-shirt and leaned to the side to hug my mom. “I’m so glad it was just the baby, and not you.”

She pulled away, blotting her red eyes and nodding. “Me too.”

“I wanted to tell you. And I’m so mad at Ben for doing it first.”

“I think this baby saved him, Gabby. I think he felt lost without a purpose, and now he has one. And I hate saying that because I don’t know what that means for you. The last thing I want is for you to feel thrust into motherhood when you’re not ready.”

I grunted a laugh and rested my hand on my belly. “I’m not ready, but I want this. I’m scared, but I want this. I hate Ben for a hundred different reasons, but I love him.”

Mom smiled. “Ben’s willing to support you, no matter what. And your dad and I want to support you, no matter what.”

“Dad?” I asked with skepticism. “He’s not livid that I’m pregnant at nineteen, out of wedlock?”

Mom rolled her eyes. “Well, he’s not elated.”

“When Sarah and Eve disappointed him, he was ready to kick them out and disown them,” I said.

“Oh,” she laughed. “He’s ready to disown you, young lady. But he wants what’s best for your innocent child. So you can stay in school or come home. Either way, we’ll do our best to support you.”

I dropped my head and murmured, “I don’t know what I want. Not anymore. I’m still in a state of shock that it’s Ben.”

“What do you mean?”

I stood and stepped toward my desk, staring at the picture of Ben and me, arm in arm at our high school graduation. Could I tell her about Matt? I financially strapped myself to thousands of dollars in debt to be at the University of Michiganjustfor Matthew Cory, but my infatuation (coveting) felt like a greater sin than getting pregnant. If I stuck it out and finished school, then it wouldn’t all be for nothing.

“I came here for Matt,” I said.

“Matt? Matt Cory? What do you mean?”

With my back to her, I grunted a laugh and shook my head. “I’ve had a crush on him since before he was with Sarah. I’ve written poems about him, imagined our wedding, and little things about our life together. I’m”— I stared at the ceiling—“embarrassed.Hewas my dream. He was the reason I refused to go to college anywhere but here. I had never felt so determined about anything or anyone as I did about him.”

When I looked at my mom, her face corkscrewed as if I wasn’t speaking English.

“Then he kissed me,” I murmured.

“Matt?” she asked with a tone of distaste.

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