Page 55 of A Good Book

I sipped my water. Was he waiting for me to say something? There wasn’t a question in anything he said.

Still, where were my emotions? How could I be with the man of my dreams, talking about him kissing me, and not feel complete euphoria?

“It’s okay if you have thoughts or feelings about this,” he laughed a little.

“Um …” I cleared my throat.

“After what happened with Sarah,” he shook his head, “I don’t know how to be anything but honest in a relationship. I don’t want to lie to you or to Julianne.”

“I kissed Ben.” I twisted my lips for a second. “Actually, he kissed me. But I kissed him back. I don’t know what it meant.”

Matt paused his drumming fingers. “I’m not surprised.”

“What?” I couldn’t hide my shock.

“He clearly has a thing for you.”

“Why do you say that?”

Matt shrugged. “It’s how he looks at you with a permanent smile. I can’t explain it, but it’s obvious.”

“Is that how you look at Julianne?”

Matt’s gaze wandered around the restaurant before returning to me with a tiny nod. “I suppose.”

“So you really like Julianne and Ben likes me. But she’s moving, and I’m …”

I’m in love with you?

I no longer knew how I felt about Matt. When Ben kissed me, up was down, in felt like out, and right versus wrong no longer made sense.

He grunted a laugh. “Ben and I sound lovesick and pathetic.”

Ben was dealing with something much bigger than having a crush on a girl.

“Maybe we can scratch each other’s itch. The loneliness itch.”

Scratching itches didn’t sound like a reliable road to matrimony. I didn’t want to be anyone’s back scratcher or calamine lotion. Where was the romance in that? I preferred the drunk version of Matt, the one who said I was prettier than my sisters and noticed the color of my eyes and the moles on my face. Was it time to abandon my dreams? Did I come this far to give up on Matt? Or did I need to adjust my idea of falling in love? Perhaps Matt wasn’t the kind to fall. Maybe he moseyed into it without a big splash. Then one day, without realizing the exact moment it happened, he’d think,“Wow! I love Gabriella. She’s been everything I’ve ever needed and wanted. How could I be so blind? How did I mistake true love for a bottle of pink lotion?”

“Gabby?”

I glanced up from my plate.

Matt smiled. “Penny for your thoughts?”

“It’s nothing.” I slid my plate aside. “I’m done. Are you?”

“Yeah. Let’s get out of here.”

After he paid for dinner, I popped three mint Tic Tacs into my mouth on the way to his car.

“Do you want to come to my place or should I take you back to your dorm?”

A flood of nerves ravaged me, so I slid my hands under my legs so he wouldn’t see them shaking.

We were a long way from marriage. How was I supposed to get there without having sex with him? Tell him I was waiting for marriage? He already thought I was no longer a virgin.

I messed up and dug a hole too deep, and there was no good way out of it.

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