Page 57 of A Good Book

“No, I didn’t.”

He nodded slowly. “You did. And that’s okay. I’m not upset. It’s just sex. You haven’t hurt my delicate feelings or anything like that. But given our family history, I feel a little more responsible for you than if you were just some other girl. And if you’re with me but saying some other guy’s name, I think there’s a high probability that you’ll regret this. We’re friends. I don’t want to be that asshole friend.”

I was usually a good listener. Even when I wrote poems about Matt in the margins of my Bible, I still listened to my dad’s sermons at the same time. But after Matt told me I said Ben’s name, I didn’t register another word he said.

It made no sense. If anything, when Ben kissed me, I should have said Matt’s name because he was my dream.

“I’m …” I shook my head. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean?—”

“Gabby,” Matt pulled me into his arms while mine remained limp at my sides, “don’t apologize. I’m not mad.”

Well, I was mad. Mad at myself for letting Ben kiss me and get into my head. Mad at Ben for not writing me back since he went home. Mad at Matt for being too nice.

Yes. I was mad at him forbeing too nice.

I laughed out loud at that thought. Then I laughed some more.

Matt released me, squinting. “What’s so funny?”

I covered my mouth to muffle my amusement. An unexpected hysteria robbed my composure. Matt returned a hesitant grin, like he wanted to laugh with me, but he didn’t know what was so funny.

“I’m herefor you,” I said between giggles. “I could have gotten a psychology degree anywhere, like in Missouri. But no. I had to chase you. So I took out a big loan to come herefor you.” I weaved my fingers through my hair and turned my back to him. “I thought Sarah was so stupid for not choosing you, yet I was relieved, because my crush on you was larger than life. Do you have any idea how many poems I’ve written about you? I dreamed of this moment for so long. Of course, it was our wedding night, but still,youhave been my dream forever.”

With tears in my eyes, I slowly turned to face him again. He bled remorse and sympathy. I hated the pain on his face. As if his girlfriend leaving him wasn’t enough, I just dumped my emotional baggage onto him. I gave him the exact measurements of the gigantic pedestal on which I’d placed him atop.

It wasn’t his fault that I felt humiliated, foolish, and lost. Love was the most vulnerable emotion. It exposed the heart.

It stole breaths.

Made sane people crazy.

And in its unrequited form, love was so humbling.

“Gabby—”

“No.” I held up my hand. “Please don’t say anything.” I tipped my head back, gazing at the ceiling while taking a long breath. “And please don’t tell anyone.”

When I looked at him again, he returned a sad smile. “Ben’s a lucky guy.”

I laughed. “He’s deaf. I don’t think he would agree with you.”

“Ben’s a lucky guy,” Matt repeated, matter-of-factly.

I bowed my head and stared at my fingers, picking at my nails. “I just really thought it would be you.”

Matt sat on the end of his bed. “Come here.” He held out his hand.

After a few seconds of hesitation, I stepped toward him, giving him my hand.

He pulled me to stand between his spread legs. “I’m still trying to figure out my life. But I can tell you from my experience of loving and losing people that timing is everything. When I told Julianne about Sarah, she said it was timing. But not like it wasn’t our time. It was our time, but our time ended. As someone who was raised to believe that we’re meant to find ‘the one,’ marry them, and spend eternity with them, that was hard for me to understand. But if Sarah hadn’t left me, I wouldn’t have met Julianne. And if Julianne weren’t moving to California, I wouldn’t have made a complete ass of myself in the bathroom with you.”

I laughed, and in the next blink, tears escaped.

He wiped them from my cheeks. “And had I not done that, we might not be here now. And maybe our time is short, or maybe our time is yet to come. But no one has ever made me feel as special as you just did. I wish I could say I think I deserve it.” He tucked his chin, resting his hands on my hips. “But I don’t. Not now.”

Maybe our time is yet to come.

His words swirled in my mind, kicking up possibilities like dust that would settle in time.

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