Page 68 of A Good Book

I X’d out the word and set the pen on the notebook. Then I noticed the pile of unopened letters I sent him. He was completely shutting me out, so I made my way to him, finding a few open spaces to step. He looked so sad with his forlorn eyes, downturned lips, and curled shoulders.

I wedged my way between his legs to stand as close to him as possible, simultaneously bracing for him to physically kick me out of his room. When he didn’t move, I pressed my palms to his cheeks, the softness of his beard teased my skin. When he closed his eyes and leaned into my touch, it made my chest ache. To distract myself from the tears burning my eyes, I leaned in and kissed him. It was slow and easy, unlike our previous kisses. A leisurely stroll in the park on a sunny afternoon. At first, I couldn’t tell if he was kissing me back, but then his hands slid up the back of my legs and he leaned into the kiss.

Those tears burned hotter instead of going away. I’d missed him so much. The longing and loneliness mixed with the guilt and uncertainty had left me feeling broken and lost. My nerves were replaced with need.

I needed Ben to hold me, piece me back together like one of his Lego creations. As I threaded my fingers through his damp hair, he guided my legs, one at a time, to straddle his lap without breaking our kiss. He made a noise that sounded like a drawn-out groan, and I wondered if he could hear himself. As he flicked my tongue with the tip of his, he hugged me to him, laying me on his bed with his pelvis cradled between my legs.

We kissed for what felt like forever, yet I never wanted it to end. I liked kissing my best friend, and I wanted to tell him as much, but he couldn’t hear me. That brought more tears to my eyes, so I turned my head to catch a shaky breath while Ben kissed along my jaw to my ear and down my neck. When his mouth returned to my face, he opened his eyes, seeing the first few tears escape.

His brow tightened, and his lips moved, saying something, but his attempted whisper wasn’t audible, but it looked like, “Are you okay?”

I quickly nodded and lifted my head to kiss him again. He rested his elbows on either side of my head and brushed his thumbs along my wet cheeks while we kissed. A soft hum unexpectedly escaped my chest, and he must have felt it because, in the next breath, he rocked his pelvis. His erection pressed firmly against me.

It made my heart skip a beat before sprinting out of the gate. What were we doing?

Ben lifted his head, his lips hovering over mine as he gazed into my eyes and thrust his hips again. My breath caught. It felt foreign and forbidden, but it also felt good.

He whispered, “Is this okay?”

I nodded a half dozen times before kissing him and closing my eyes. I couldn’t look at him because I was too afraid he’d see my vulnerability. Everything was novel and unexpected. I didn’t know where it was going, but as a flood of new feelings hijacked my body, I didn’t want him to mistake my nerves for fear and then decide to stop.

For the record, I wasn’t stupid despite the sixty-nine misunderstanding. I knew why it felt good. I’d passed my anatomy class. But it was the firsthand experience that was new to me. The fullness in my breasts. The pressure building between my legs. The euphoric jolt I experienced every time the bulge behind his sweatpants rubbed just the right spot between my legs.

We kissed for a while, but then he broke the kiss to catch his breath, eyelids heavy as he worked his erection against me harder. I curled my fingers, digging my nails into his back. My thoughts jumbled between wondering what was happening and berating myself for thinking it … because I knew. And I had no idea where it fell on the spectrum of sins. We were fully clothed. It wasn’t sex. But it was … something.

It wassomethingthe way I dug my heels into the mattress and lifted my body toward his.

It wassomethingthe way he kissed me so hard I felt like we would be melded together forever.

It wassomethingthe way he grabbed a fistful of sheets above my head while every muscle in his body went rigid.

But the biggestsomethingof all was the explosion of sensations that ricocheted through my body in wave after wave as my heart throbbed in my chest.

Ben rested his forehead on mine as we exchanged breaths in our little cocoon. Then he slowly deposited kisses over all of my face, even my eyelids as they drifted shut. Without a word, because there were no words, he rolled onto his side and pulled me into his embrace. I nuzzled my face into his neck, and we took a long Saturday afternoon nap.

CHAPTERTWENTY-THREE

INXS, “NEVER TEAR US APART”

Ben

It was a pity dry hump.

And I knew it, but I still allowed it to happen.

Did she orgasm? Undoubtedly.

Was it her first? I didn’t know.

But I couldn’t stop wondering if I was the schmuck grinding into her, fully clothed, after Mr. Baseball Star Future Attorney had already taken her virginity. I wasn’t stupid. He was a guy with needs, and Gabby was the girl who had fawned over him for years.

I knew she would save herself for marriage, not letting any guy past first base, or she would lose every inhibition and prove her dad right: College was a sinner’s haven.

Either way, she would go back to her dream man while I stayed in my parents’ house, putting together Legos in the silence of a living nightmare.

Gabby stirred, moving her hands between us and drawing a heart on my chest. God, I wanted it to be real. I wanted a lot of things, but it didn’t mean I could have any of them. She sat up, letting her legs hang off the side of the bed while twisting her body toward me. Had I not been deaf and a pain in everyone’s side, no one would have allowed us to be in my bedroom alone with the door closed.

She gave me a shy smile. I took a mental picture, knowing that I’d take a lot more of them since the soundtrack to my life was over.

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