Page 85 of A Good Book

No notepad.

No pen.

“I know you love me.” I swallowed hard because I didn’t want to cry in front of her. My inability to hold myself together was emasculating enough. “Iknow.And I love you too. But it’s not enough. I would hate myself for disappointing you.”

She shook her head over and over, stepping toward me.

“No!” I held up my hands. “I’m sorry. I’msovery sorry. Life is unfair.” I paced back and forth, trying to expend some energy from all the nerves in my body that felt like they were misfiring. “It’s … it’s cruel. And love doesn’t conquer everything. Not this. I’m sorry. I want it too. I do. But I also want to rewind my life so I can do something to not get sick. And I want to hear again. I want to feel normal. But I don’t.” I wiped my eyes, angry that my emotions were stronger than my will not to cry in front of her.

“I don’t feel normal, Gabby. I will never feel that way again. I will never stop hating my life and hating myself for being so weak when other people who have been through far worse are brave and resilient. You deserve a strong person who will protect you, who you can call if you need them, who will hear you if you yellfireorhelporrape!But that’s not me. I’m too fucking weak!” I bent over, resting my hands on my legs, then I slowly dropped to my knees.

While I shook with emotion, I readied myself for Gabby’s touch, and when I felt it, I dropped my hands and batted her away again, only it wasn’t her. It was my mom, and Gabby was nowhere in sight.

“I don’t want this life,” I said, but I couldn’t tell if she heard me because I didn’t try to say it aloud.

As tears filled her eyes and spilled over with a single blink, I knew she heard me. I was twice as big as my mom, but the second she kneeled in front of me and wrapped her arms around my neck, I fell apart in her embrace.

CHAPTERTWENTY-NINE

EARTHA KITT, “SANTA BABY”

Gabby

Eve and Kylespent Christmas with his family, so Matt’s parents stayed in her bedroom. Matt slept in Sarah’s room with Isaac, and Sarah slept with me because my parents wouldn’t let Isaac and Sarah sleep in the same bed, even though they lived together.

“You were going to have sex with Matt? For real?” Sarah asked the second I turned off the light and slid into bed.

I didn’t want to talk. After Ben ran out of the church and said what he did, I felt crushed. It took everything I had to keep it together, so no one suspected anything. With the Cory family staying and it being Christmas Eve, I didn’t want to bleed out in front of everyone. But it was hard because I felt every beat of my heart, heaving and aching in my chest.

“What?” I bought myself time.

“Don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about. Don’t lie to me, young lady.”

For the first time since Ben ran out of the church just hours earlier, I found a tiny smile. “You sound like Mom.”

She nudged my leg with hers. “Just tell me.”

“I didn’t sleep with him.” I nudged her back.

“But you were going to?”

“I’m not sure.”

“Gabriella.” Sarah rolled toward me, but I kept my gaze on the ceiling.

“Yes.” I sighed. “I thought about it. Okay? I considered it. But I didn’t, and I’m not going to, so it doesn’t matter.”

“Why? Why would you even consider it?”

“You’re one to talk. You totally couldn’t wait to get rid of your virginity.”

“Yes, Gabby. But you always wanted to wait until marriage. Did Matt pressure you?”

“What?” I rolled my head toward her. “No! Of course not. What did he say?”

She tucked her hands under her cheek. “After the program tonight, people were chattering about Ben running out and you following him. Matt told Isaac that you liked Ben a lot. Isaac said you and Ben were best friends, and Matt mumbled you were more than friends. So Isaac pressed him as to why he thought that, and he said you two were messing around and you said Ben’s name instead of Matt’s.”

I opened my mouth to tell her it meant nothing, but that was a lie. “Well, it doesn’t matter if I like Ben because he wants nothing to do with me.” I nearly choked on the last few words.

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