Page 110 of Before We Were

"It's okay," she says quietly.

"It's not okay," I snap, running a hand through my hair as guilt slices through me. "I shouldn't have—" The words die in my throat. I can't even finish the thought, can't bear to imagine what could have happened.

But then she does something unexpected. She reaches out, her fingers wrapping around my arm, pulling me back down beside her.

"What are you doing?" My voice comes out hoarse, raw with emotion I can't contain.

"Lay down," she says softly, settling beside me, her hand still resting on my arm. "You can close your eyes. It's okay."

I stare at her, trying to understand why she's still here, why she isn't running from me like she should be. "You shouldn't be here."

"Why?"

"Because I??—"

Because you being this close, seeing me like this, makes me feel more out of control than anything else.

"Nate," she whispers, her eyes locking with mine. "I've got you, promise. Lay down."

Her words calm the chaos inside me like magic. It's as if someone's flipped a switch, and for the first time in a long time, I feel something other than fear. For a brief moment, there's blessed silence in my head. Nora has no idea what her voice does to me. How it's always been the thing that pulls me back to the surface when I'm drowning.

I let my head fall back as I relax into her, my heart rate slowing, just enough to let the sound of her heartbeat fill the quiet between us. We lie there, staring at each other in the darkness, neither of us willing to break this fragile peace.

"You're okay," she whispers into my hair.

I close my eyes, letting her warmth ground me in a way nothing else ever has. Minutes stretch into silence, and I think she's fallen asleep until she speaks again.

"I wish I hated you." Her lips brush against my hair, leaving behind the softest kiss. "But instead, you make me feel things I don't want to."

She thinks I'm asleep.

"I pretend to be this put-together person, but I'm just as broken and damaged as you believe you are. And the worst part is, I want you to know all the messed-up parts, but I'm scared."

I want to ask her what she's afraid of, but I don't want to stop her confessions.

"I wish I could face my demons too and maybe..."

She trails off, leaving the thought unfinished. I wait, but nothing else comes. Though I fight to stay awake, exhaustion wins. I let myself relax in her presence as my eyes drift shut, listening to her breathing as her heartbeat falls in sync with mine.

Sleep takes me, but this time it's different. This time, the nightmares don't come.

When I wake, the first thing I notice is sunlight filtering through the curtains, painting golden stripes across the bed. Morning has crept in while I slept, bringing with it an emptiness I can't ignore. The second thing I notice is the hollow space beside me where Nora should be.

For a heartbeat, panic grips me. Maybe I dreamed it all—her being here, my arms around her waist, my face buried in the curve of her neck where her pulse beats steady and sure. Her warmth. Her scent. The whispered confessions pressed into my hair like secrets.

Could my mind have conjured her, like it has a thousand times before in my restless nights?

I sit up, running a hand through my hair, trying to shake off the disorientation that clings to me. But then I see Bones, perched on the pillow next to me. Nora's favorite stuffed animal from when we were kids, left behind like a silent guardian. She always did this when we were young and I had nightmares, leaving pieces of herself behind to remind me I wasn't alone.

A faint smile tugs at my lips, but it's bittersweet, tasting of longing and regret.

I'm mad for her.

Stupidly, hopelessly, desperately mad for her.

And the worst part? I can never have her. Not in the way I want, not without destroying everything.

I rub my hands over my face and take one of those deep breaths that's supposed to steady you, but it doesn't work. I suddenly remember what today is—Jake's birthday. My not-so-little brother is seventeen, and here I am, still pretending I've got it together for him, like I've done every day for years now.

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