Page 42 of Before We Were

"Are you fucking kidding me?" The words tear out of me, raw and desperate. My hands ache to grab her shoulders, to make her get it. "What would you have done if I hadn't stepped in?"

Her eyes flash, and Christ, she's beautiful when she's pissed.

"I can handle myself, Nate. I'm not a fragile thing that needs protecting."

"That's not what I'm??—"

"Then what are you trying to say? Because all you have been is a total asshole for no reason since the moment I got here."

She's furious, and some sick part of me loves it. The way her cheeks flush, the way her chest rises and falls faster. It's proof she still feels something around me. At least anger's better than nothing.

My silence is enough for her to turn around and head for the door. No way in hell am I letting her walk out like this.

Before I can think better of it, I'm up, slamming the door shut, trapping us in this too-small room. Her perfume's everywhere now, making my head spin. She gasps, this tiny sound that shoots straight through me, making my heart hammer against my ribs. I'm too close.

Way too fucking close.

Close enough to see the gold flecks in her eyes, close enough that if I shifted even an inch, we'd be??—

"Maybe," I say, my voice dropping low, every muscle in my body straining with the effort not to touch her, "I am an asshole. But I'd never touch you without your permission."

The words hang between us, loaded with everything I'm not saying. My eyes drop to her lips, and holy shit, I have to ball my hands into fists to keep from doing something monumentally stupid.

She shifts, her back against the door, her body so close I swear I can feel her heartbeat matching mine. "I need to get ready."

"For what?" It comes out like gravel.

"The bonfire tonight."

"Why the hell are you going to a bonfire after what happened last night?" Jealousy rips through me, ugly and hot. The thought of her around those guys again makes me want to put my fist through a wall.

She laughs, but it's hollow. "Why are you asking questions you don't want answers to?"

I move closer, my body no longer taking orders from my brain. I can feel the heat coming off her skin, and it's making me lose my mind. "Because I like to know things."

Her head leans back against the door, her throat exposed, and Jesus Christ, the things I want to do. My hands twitch at my sides, itching to slide up her arms, to tangle in her hair.

"I want to try and enjoy myself this summer, Nate. Can I do that, or do I need to start getting permission slips signed off for everything?"

Her defiance hits me like a kick to the chest. "You think being with strangers will make you feel normal?"

"Would you prefer me miserable and locked up all summer?" Her voice softens, something vulnerable breaking through, and it wrecks me.

We're breathing the same air now.

"Why can't we just talk, like we used to?"

The question tears me open. My hand moves before I can stop it, hovering near her, not touching her, but fuck, I want to.

"Because things aren't like they used to be."

Because you exist in a world where I can’t have you.

Because every time you look at me like that, I'm one second away from completely losing it.

She looks at me like I've slapped her, and it kills me. "So you're just going to keep shutting me out?"

A knock on the doorframe interrupts us, and I step back like I've been burned, my heart still trying to pound its way out of my chest.

---