Page 108 of Before We Were

"What are you doing?"

"Building a fort, silly!" I tell him like it's the most obvious thing ever.

"A fort?"

"Uh-huh!"

"Why?"

"'Cause forts protect you from bad stuff."

"Your pink fluffy pillows aren't gonna protect anyone Leni,” he says, but I see he wants to smile.

"Hey, you've never seen me in a pillow fight."

His lips do that almost-smile thing again.

We crawl inside once it's done. It's super cozy with all my stuffed animals around us, and my star lights make it look like we're camping under real stars. I grab Bones, my special stuffed toy that Dad gave me when I hurt my ankle last summer. Nate carried me all the way back to the house that day when I fell out of the tree.

"Here. Bones will keep you safe," I say, giving him my most special toy.

Nate doesn't say anything, but he hugs Bones real tight. I turn off my lamp and the whole room lights up with tons of stars on the ceiling and walls. Nate's eyes finally look a little less sad.

“You know what Dad says about stars?"

He sniffles and moves his head a tiny bit. "What?" His voice is so quiet.

I take a big breath like I'm about to tell the biggest secret ever.

"He says that even when you can't see them, they're still there. They're just playing hide and seek behind the clouds."

He's quiet for a long time but then lets out this big breath like he was holding it forever.

"We're kind of like stars too." I add in my special quiet voice, "Sometimes everything gets super dark, but we're still here. And one day, you'll be the brightest star ever, Nate!"

"You really think so?" he asks. His voice sounds all hopeful.

"I know so." I say it like it's the truest thing ever, like how I know chocolate ice cream is the best flavor. "Right now, you're just playing hide and seek behind some clouds, but they'll move away. They always do.”

His mouth does a tiny smile and it makes my heart feel happy.

"Want to listen to music?"

He nods, and I grab my Discman—the one Mom gave me for my birthday. We share the headphones, one ear each, and I press play on"Iris"by the Goo Goo Dolls.

I've told him it's my favorite song.

What I never say is that it's only my favorite because it reminds me of him.

As soon as the music starts, Nate's body relaxes, like when you let go of a big breath you've been holding. He wraps his arms around my waist and puts his head in my lap.

I lean over him and whisper, "I got you."

That's when he starts crying for real. Not the quiet kind, but the kind that shakes your whole body.

I hold him as tight as I can, like I'm trying to keep all his broken pieces together. I wish I was strong like a superhero so I could fight all his monsters away. But I'm not.

All I can do is be here and hold him.

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