Page 62 of Baking and Angels

Her eyebrows furrowed deeper, her expression asking the question her lips didn’t.What game?

“It is what we demons call all this. The bargains, the acquiring of souls, and the energy they generate—it’s the great game. The only game worth playing for us. In order to pay the price to stay in creation, we risk and bet what little we have in the hopes of getting the jackpot. To do what Vassago is doing and be so flushed with power that we can stay a time in creation away from the suffering.”

Helena took that in a moment, then asked, “Is that a game you can actually win?”

Now, it was his turn to blow out a sigh. “I would have said no a week ago. But”—he dryly laughed and gestured at himself with both hands—“here I stand. I won. And you…” He almost couldn’t say it, the words threatening to choke in his throat. “You lost. And I don’t know how to save you from that fate.”

Helena nodded, her lips drawn into a thin line. “I’m not going to lie. I’ve been thinking about that these last few days. I’m really ademon,aren’t I?”

He shook his head again, reaching to grasp her hands. “No, you aren’t. Not to me,” he lied. He set his forehead to hers. There it was again. That uncanny tingle. “But please, stop risking it. Why won’t you listen to me about this?”

She forced a shuddering breath. “Because I can’t just stand by and do nothing. I can’t… I can’t just bring Yosef back. But I need to helphersomehow.” She shook her head. “How did you do it? I saw you, I felt it. You were able to keep me calm when everything was happening with Cindy.”

“That wasn’t me.” He shook his head, wishing she would get it. “That was a strength inherent toyourself.”

“Then what is it that demons do?”

He laughed dryly. “So much of what we would actually do would be normal things that anyone can do, but so few have the incentive to. You have to understand, Helena, a demon’s goal is to extract as much power as possible while expending little. If we simply do what a mortal asks and it takes no power, we will do it and take all the credit we can for our ‘miracle.’”

It felt good to actually explain this out loud, like it was something he needed to hear as well, to process the actions he had performed for years without giving them much thought.

Helena listened but still shook her head. “But there must be something more Icando with just a snap of my fingers. I can make anything I want: a pile of gold, a feast for thousands. And you keep telling me I can’t. Then what is the damned point? Why can’t I just snap my fingers and make this Food for the Gods? I could even put the intention of helping her feel better.”

“Demonic magic can only hold grief back for a time, but we can’t alter it any more than we can other human emotions. We don’t control that; we just try to momentarily influence them. You can’t make people feel anything they don’t want to, and you’re going to waste all of your power trying to force it, and fail, and then have nothing to show for it. People want to use and be used, so you might as welluse them.”

“Is that what you did to people?” she asked in a small voice.

A strange shudder washed through him. He knew that she was seeing him in a different light than ever before. He hadn’t been lying to her about who he was or what he had done, but now she seemed to be accepting it. He hated it and craved it at the same time. It had felt all along that he had been tricking her, that she loved something so vile, but she truly didn’t understand how loathsome he had once been. How loathsome she wasbecoming.

Helena cupped his face with her hand, then slowly skimmed her fingers over his ear and through his hair. The petting washed through him, feeding his touch-starved soul. There was nothing more to it; he could tell. She wasn’t using any demon energy to invoke this response in him. The fact that it was so innocent and pure was why he craved it so much. He craved it as much as he couldrevile it.

It wasconfusing.

She ran her fingers through a second time, and his mouth fell open while his eyes fluttered closed, confusing his feelings further. He wanted more.

Then she paused.

Opening his eyes, he gazed into Helena’s real gray ones, the human eyes he lost himself to. “I know you’re not sure about me now that I’ve changed. I know you are afraid of what all this means. I know. Iknow,” she said with all the strength and earnestness that he loved about her. “But it’s not who I choose to be. Even if Iamactually a demon.” A tear pricked at her eyes, but her voice remained strong. “It’s not who Ichooseto be. And honestly, I think it’s the only thing that matters in all this.” Her strong eyebrows quirked a little. “Do you understand?”

Rafferty swallowed back the thickness in his throat, imprisoning any other words he could say. He nodded. Then reached for her, wanting to hold her close, ignoring the uncomfortable tingling her aura washed over his skin. The need to feel the weight of the body housing her unchanging spirit in his arms far outweighed any discomfort.

“I love you,” he whispered. And oh, did he mean it.

“I love you too. I know I always will,” she replied, digging her face into his chest and shoulder, snuggling and squeezing as hard as she could as if he were her buoy in the storm of changes she was living through. “We’ll figure this out, right?”

“Yes,” he said. “Whatever it takes. However long.”

For a moment, he could see it. See how he could be perfectly happy with her, how wonderful this long life he now had could be. And he dared to say the thing he had been holding back.

“I do love you, Helena.”

Chapter 24

Not Safe

for Work

“Ilove you, Rafferty,” she answered, and snuggled her nose even more. They savored each other for long moments he wished would last forever, but momentsnever did.

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