Page 99 of Baking and Angels

“Are you proud, Maman?” he asked, the question a plea for approval that he had longed for. It was only now that he realized he had longed to return home and show her what he had become. He had feared what she would say about him abandoning her.

“Oh, yes. Yes. You are a man now! You are happy?”

“Yes, Maman, I was happy. I wanted you to be proud of me.” His voice thickened again. “I am so sorry I abandoned you. I’m so sorry.” His tears came again. He could not hold them back. His head dropped into her lap, and he wailed his pain, guilt, and grief into the worn-out bed, smelling of old hair and body odors.

It was only after there was nothing more to scream or cry that he realized that his mother’s fingers threaded through his hair, brushing it back, and she hummed a wordless lullaby, a piece from some opera she had heard once and loved. Rafferty had never known what it was; the opera had been a failure and forgotten by all excepthis maman.

When he lifted his head, she brushed away the tears from his face, smiling warmly. “There. There now. All is well, little child of God.”

He shook his head. “No, no. I am not… I am not a child of God anymore, Maman. Not after what I did to you. What I did to you and…” But he couldn’t remember his sister’s name, not any more than he could remember his mother’s or even his own original name. He had lost those memories long, long ago. “And… my sister.”

“No, no,” his maman said, continuing to pet him. “That is not your fault. Not your responsibility. I am your maman. You aremy child.”

“But… but you said…”

“I was wrong,” she answered, setting a kiss onto his forehead. “I was afraid. I did not know what to do for you. I wanted so much for you both, to be happy and safe and fed, andI failed.”

He hadn’t noticed the darkness retreated from them until it encroached again, eating up the world around them, stabbing through and punishing his maman. “I failed my children. I sinned, and God has abandoned me.” Her words degraded into a wail.

“No, Maman! No, I am fine. I am a cook in the king’s kitchen. I am fine. I am happy.” He grasped her hands, pulling her back toward him.

The darkness paused as she heard him this time. “A cook in the king’s kitchen?” sherepeated.

“Yes, yes. I am happy,” he insisted. “I live a full life.”

She touched his cheek again. “You are? You are happy?”

He wanted to say yes, but it sat too heavy in his heart. He could not hide it fromhis maman.

“What is it, my baby?”she asked.

“There… there is this woman.”

Understanding washed over her face, mixed with joy. “You arein love?”

He couldn’t lie. “Yes. But I do not deserve her,” he admitted. “I have done horrible things. I have ruined her life by simply being in it. I have nothing of worth to offer her, and I have even had stray thoughts from her. She is my savior, yet I cannot bear to look at her. I am a faithless man.”

“Then return to her. Beg her forgiveness and spend the rest of your life being faithful and true. Be the man I know you are,” his maman said.

“It is not that simple.” The words tasted wrong inhis mouth.

“No, it isn’t. But that is what makes it worthy,” she said, tipping his chin up so his gaze met hers. “But if you do not want her, then let her go.”

“But she is my savior, Iowe her…”

“Oh child, I do not want that for you,” she said so gently and sweetly it silenced him. Her eyes even smiled into bright crescent moons. “I want you to find a trade, meet a nice young woman, have children, live a long, peaceful, happy life. And light a candle for your mother every once in a while. Both of you.” She looked up at Honey and took her hand, squeezing tightly. “That would be enough for me to…”

Maman stopped, words failing on her lips. Her gaze went long, lookingpast him.

“I see it now,” she said, her voice softening and serene.

The darkness melted away and the room dissolved with it. They were returning to the beings they always had been, even as her voice continued to speak. “I understand now. I see.Love…” The last wasn’t a word, yet the feeling reverberated…

…reverberates through Rafferty. She is gone. She dissolves and rejoins the light, brighter than ever. The other dark orbs move away from it, shunning the light as it pours in and consumes her. No. Takes her back, embraces her, and she returns to what she has always been. She still exists but she ishome now.

Rafferty wonders why he does not dothat same.

Honey is beside him, embracing himonce more.

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