Page 128 of Finding Us

“Second thoughts about what?”

“This.” I motion to the room. “Living here. Going to school here. Living in California.”

“Of course not. Why would you say that?”

“Because it’s a big change. You grew up in Connecticut. And now you’re on the opposite coast, really far away from your family.”

“You’remy family now. And this is a big change for both of us. This isn’t exactly Iowa. And you’re far away from your family, too.”

“I guess. But after high school, I was ready to leave Iowa and I didn’t want to go back. Not that it’s a bad place. I just wanted a change.”

“And so do I. I liked growing up in Connecticut and yes, I’m comfortable there, but I’ve moved on. I have a new life now. And I like that we’re starting our life together someplace new. A place that neither one of us is from. It makes it seem more like ours.”

“But what about the college? We kind of rushed into deciding to go there. Maybe we won’t like it.”

“You could say that about any college. We just have to go there and try it out. If we hate it, we can always transfer somewhere else. But I think we’ll like it.” He picks up the TV remote. “You want to watch a movie?”

“Let’s just watch TV.”

He clicks the TV on, then leans back on the couch and puts his arm up. “Come get in your spot.”

I scoot under his arm, nestled against his chest. “You know I always fall asleep in this spot.”

“I know. Go ahead and sleep. I know you’re tired.” He kisses my forehead. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

I fall asleep right away. Normally I wouldn’t be able to sleep my first night in a strange place. But Garret makes everything seem familiar. As I told him not that long ago, I’m at home when I’m with him. It doesn’t matter where I live, as long as he’s there, I’ll feel safe and at home.

CHAPTERTHIRTY-FOUR

GARRET

I wake up to the sound of a guy yelling “…just $19.95, plus we’ll throw in this handy chopper AND this spiral-bound cookbook. It’s a value worth—” I click the TV off, leaving the room dark except for the moonlight filtering in through the blinds that are still open.

I look down and see Jade sleeping soundly on my chest. She’s looks so peaceful when she sleeps. A few times when I’ve been awake at night, I’ve heard her mumble something and I’ve looked over to see her smiling and it makes me wonder what she’s dreaming about. I’ve asked her but she said she doesn’t remember her dreams.

Tonight she’s not smiling or mumbling. She’s just sleeping contently, her face just under my chin and her arm tucked into her side and resting on my chest. I kiss the top of her head and watch her for a moment, noticing how beautiful she looks in the soft moonlight. Sometimes I still can’t believe she’s my wife. That she’s all mine.

I love that she’s mine. That she chose me as the person she wants to be with for the rest of her life. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by the responsibility of that. I want to be the husband Jade deserves but I’m not quite sure what that means. All I know is that I want to make her happy. I want the pain and the sadness she had for all those years before I met her to go away, and I want all the years ahead of her, the ones we’ll share together, to be filled with only good memories. I know that’s not realistic. We’ll have our ups and downs, but I want the good to far outweigh the bad and I’ll do all I can to make sure of that.

I love Jade more than I thought it was possible to love another person. I finally know how my dad felt about my mom. I remember how my dad used to look at her and I know he loved her just as much as I love Jade.

I can’t imagine how hard it was for him to lose my mom. How devastating it was when he got that call saying she was gone. It was bad enough for me, but it was different for him. I’m sure if I asked him, he wouldn’t even be able to explain how he felt when she died. I’m sure that type of grief is something you can’t put into words. I know I wouldn’t be able to if something like that happened to Jade. And I’ve only known her a year. My dad was with my mom for 12 years. He loved her, like I love Jade, for 12 years and then she was gone.

I see my dad so much differently now. I understand him more. I don’t approve of the way he turned his back on me after she died, but I kind of understand it. My mom and I are a lot alike, and to my dad, I was a constant reminder she was gone. So he avoided me. He kept his distance, spending all his time at work. At a time when I needed him the most, he abandoned me.

My grandfather deserves some of the blame for how my dad treated me all those years. After my mom died, my grandfather retired and forced my dad to take over the business. And he told my dad he had to be stricter with me. That’s when our relationship completely fell apart. My dad started trying to control every aspect of my life, just like his father did with him. Even today, my grandfather still controls my dad. He’s a master manipulator and he knows it and takes pleasure in that role.

As much as I complain about my dad, he’s never treated me as badly as my grandfather’s treated him. When my dad married my mom, my grandfather wouldn’t speak to him for years. Then when he finally did, their conversations were nothing more than my grandfather telling my dad what a disappointment he was, how he’d disgraced the Kensington name by marrying my mom, and how he was a complete failure as a son.

I remember hearing those conversations when I was a kid and I had to tune them out. I loved my dad and I couldn’t stand hearing my grandfather talk to him that way. And I didn’t want to believe my grandfather was the type of person who would say those things. So I’d hide in my room and turn the TV on so I couldn’t hear them.

For years, I pretended those conversations never happened. I pretended my grandfather was the person I wanted him to be. The kind, loving grandfather every kid wants. The kind who takes you fishing and buys you toy race cars and takes you to baseball games. But he was never that grandfather. He’s always been distant and reserved, showing little emotion, but not needing to because his words and his actions say enough.

Growing up, my grandfather didn’t lecture me as much as he lectured my dad, but he did constantly remind me that being a Kensington is a privilege and that I always need to act in a way that protects and upholds our family name. So he was pissed last spring when I did all that stuff to ruin my image. Of course none of that was real, but my grandfather thought it was and he blames my dad for it. He blames Jade, too. He thinks she’s destroyed my life and my future. That’s why he acted the way he did last Fourth of July, refusing to speak to Jade and me.

I used to work my ass off trying to get my grandfather’s approval but now I’ve given up. He’ll never approve of me as long as I’m married to Jade. And if he’s making me choose between Jade and him, I will always choose Jade.

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