Page 147 of Finding Us

“Jade.” He holds my hand and looks me in the eye. “I can’t tell you this unless you admit that what happened wasn’t your fault.”

“But itwasmy fault. You wouldn’t have been hurt if—”

“Jade, stop. You can’t keep taking the blame for that. It was my decision to get in front of you when he pulled the trigger. You had no choice in the matter. Just tell me it wasn’t your fault or I’m not continuing.”

“Okay, go ahead.”

“Say it. Say it’s not your fault.”

I have so much guilt over that day and what happened to Garret. I still have nightmares of him bleeding and lying unconscious on the floor of the study. Sometimes they seem so real I wake up shaking and out of breath. It usually wakes Garret up, but I never tell him what I was dreaming about. I just say I can’t remember.

“It’s not my fault.” I say it but I don’t believe it.

“That wasn’t at all convincing, but at least it’s a start. Maybe if I get you to say it a few more times you’ll actually believe it.”

“Would you just hurry up and tell me whatever you wanted to tell me?”

“After I was shot last year, my shoulder didn’t heal as well as I’d hoped it would. I tried to ignore the pain and sometimes it went away. But then it would come back. So I’ve kind of had this on-and-off pain for the past few months.”

“Garret, why didn’t you tell me?”

“We had a lot of stuff to deal with last spring. My shoulder was the least of our concerns. Anyway, it didn’t heal and I made it worse by skipping out on my physical therapy appointments.”

“You told me you didn’t need them.”

“Because I thought my shoulder was getting better. It was bothering me last January but then I got another one of those shots from the clinic and the pain went away. It didn’t really start up again until February when I started swimming more and lifting weights. So long story short, I can’t be on the swim team until this gets better. I thought the coach would tell me I can’t ever be on the team, but today he said if I go see a specialist and get physical therapy that I might be able to compete again.”

I don’t know what to say. Why didn’t Garret tell me this sooner? I guess I understand why he didn’t tell me last spring, but why couldn’t he tell me back in June or after we got married? I’m his wife. I vowed to take care of him and he’s been suffering in silence for months.

“I need to go.” I hop off the picnic table and walk to the car.

He follows me. “Jade. Wait.”

“Could you open the door, please?” I stand next to the car. He clicks the remote and I get inside.

He goes around the car and gets in on the driver’s side. “Why do you want to leave?” He puts his hand on mine. “Don’t you want to talk about this?”

“There’s nothing to say.” I yank my hand back. “You’ve been dealing with this on your own for months now. You didn’t need me then, and you don’t need me now. I don’t even know why you told me. It’s not like I’m your wife or anything. Or yeah, that’s right, I am.”

“That’s not what this was about. It didn’t have anything to do with you.”

“Your health doesn’t have anything to do with me? So if I ever find out I have cancer or some other disease, I’ll just keep it a secret because it has nothing to do with you?”

“That’s not comparable, Jade. This isn’t cancer. It’s just some damaged tissue in my shoulder that’s taking forever to heal.”

“Can we please just go home?”

He starts the car and we ride in silence back to the house. I race inside to the bedroom and find a pair of running shorts and a t-shirt. Garret meets me in there.

“You’re not running, Jade.” He takes the clothes I just took from the dresser and tosses them on the floor.

“I’ll only be gone for an hour.” I go to pick up the clothes but he holds me in place, his hands on my shoulders.

“You’re not going to start this again.”

“Start what?”

“You’re not going running whenever you can’t handle shit. That was the old Jade. You’re not her anymore. You’re stronger than her and you face shit head-on instead of running from it. I taught you that, remember?”

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