Page 148 of Finding Us

“Yeah, but you also taught me to trust you and then you lied to me.”

“I didn’t lie to you.” He sees my eye roll and says, “Okay, yes, a lie by omission is still a lie. And I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. But I didn’t think I needed to. I thought my shoulder would be better by now. I guess it just takes a long time to heal. I didn’t realize that, and I made it worse by pushing it when it wasn’t ready.”

My body is aching to move. “Just let me run. I swear, I won’t stay out that long.”

“Why do you need to run, Jade?” He leads me to the bed and forces me to sit down with him.

“Because. . . I don’t know. I just need to.”

“Why?”

He knows why. He’s already said it. Now he wantsmeto say it. Running to me is like a drug. Something I use to take the pain away when I don’t want to deal with it. And right now, I have a lot of pain.

“Jade.” He keeps his eyes on me but I won’t look at him. “Why do you have to run?”

I swallow past the lump in my throat. “You hurt me. You hurt me by not telling me and now I have to run.”

“Why? Why do you have to run? Why can’t you just talk to me?”

“I don’t know. I really don’t. I’m sorry.” Tears stream down my face and I quickly wipe them away.

Garret hugs me. “You don’t have to be sorry. I’m just trying to figure this out. I want you to stop running every time you can’t deal with your feelings. I want to help you.”

“That’s not fair!” I shove him away. “You want to help me but you won’t let me helpyou.”

“Because you couldn’t. What could you have done?”

“I would’ve made you go to the doctor. I would’ve got you something for the pain. I would’ve been more careful around you so I didn’t hurt you.”

“You didn’t hurt me. It doesn’t work that way. It only hurts when I strain it by working out instead of letting it rest. I did this to myself, Jade. I didn’t give it time to heal.”

We sit there in silence. He’s probably afraid to say anything, not wanting to start a fight. But this already feels like a fight and I don’t want it to continue. I’m mad at him for not telling me, but I’m also worried about him. And I’d rather talk about his health than argue over the fact that he kept this from me.

“So when do you see the doctor?” I ask him.

“I’ll try to get an appointment next week sometime. It’ll probably be after classes start and his office is a half hour away. Do you want to stay here or do you want to go with me?”

I can’t believe he even has to ask. It hurts me even more and I feel tears welling up.

“What do you want me to do, Garret? Just tell me what you need.”

He holds my hands and looks me in the eye. “I’d like you to go with me.”

“Good, because I would’ve had to run for the rest of the day if you told me I wasn’t invited.”

“Jade, about that. We need to talk about the running.”

I shake my head. “No. I hardly ran at all last summer. There’s nothing to talk about.”

“You ran for four hours yesterday because you were mad at me.”

“I didn’t run that whole time. I fell asleep on the beach.”

He studies my face, like he doesn’t believe me. “Okay, but if you start this again, we’re talking about it.”

He needs to stay out of this. I need to run until I get used to my new life. I admit I run when I can’t handle stuff, but it’s better than doing something destructive, like drinking. And right now, I need to burn off some stress. I’m feeling overwhelmed starting a new school, losing Harper, trying to be a good wife. I just need to run until I can get control again.

I lie down on the bed, turning my back to him. “I think I’ll take a nap. I’m tired.”

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