Page 212 of Finding Us

“Seven-year-old boys don’t have moves.”

“Ihad moves at that age. Shit, I had moves in kindergarten.”

Jade uncrosses my arms and hugs me, pressing her cheek against my chest. “If we have kids, and we have girls, is this how it’s going to be? You’re going to chase every boy away?”

My mind leaves Max and Lilly and all my focus turns to Jade. This is the first time she’s ever brought up kids. She usually won’t even talk about them. Sometimes I’ll make a comment about us having kids and she tenses up and gets really quiet. I know she said ‘if’ just now but even that is a huge step for her. It’s like she’s actually considering maybe having kids someday.

I really want that. I want us to have kids and I still want three of them. I don’t want them right now. We’re not ready for that. We need to get through college and have a few years to get our careers going, but after that I want to start a family. I was beginning to think Jade would never agree to it, but now I’m thinking maybe it’s a possibility. A distant possibility, but still a possibility.

CHAPTERFIFTY-ONE

JADE

“Garret, did you hear me?”

“Yeah, I was just trying to think of the various torture devices I would need if a guy ever got near my daughter.”

“So you’re saying she could never date? Not even when she’s 16?”

“Sixteen? Hell, no! She can date when she’s 40 or 50 or whenever I’m dead and not around to see it.”

“You’re terrible.” I keep my arms around him. “If we have kids, you better hope they’re not girls. I think they’d give you a heart attack.”

“I’d take girls,” he says quietly.

He smooths my hair as I close my eyes. It’s been a stressful week and it feels good to just lie here as his hand moves down my back and up to my hair again, repeating the pattern.

I probably confused Garret just now with my comment about us having kids. I didn’t mean to say it. It just kind of came out when we were talking about Lilly. Maybe because I’ve been thinking more about kids ever since we got married. I haven’t told Garret that. I don’t want to get his hopes up and then tell him I don’t want them.

The thing is, I think I do want them. But as soon as I think that, I question it. I tell myself that maybe I only want them because Garret does. I love him so much that I don’t want to deny him something he really wants. But I can’t make a huge decision like that based only on whathewants. I have to make sure it’s what I want, too, and that changes from day to day.

I haven’t spent much time around kids so how do I know if I could even take care of one? What if I couldn’t? Lilly is the only kid I’ve really been around. And I love her, and I love being her big sister, but it’s not the same as being a parent.

As much as I’ve tried to get over it, I’m still scared to death of being a mom. I have been ever since Garret started bringing up the topic. Before I met him, I never even thought about it. I didn’t think I’d get married so I definitely didn’t think I’d have kids. And I was okay with that. I didn’t feel like I was giving up anything. But falling in love with Garret changed all that. In my head, I can see him being a dad. I can imagine us playing outside with our kids and putting them to bed at night. And those images make me happy. Really happy. Then my internal panic button hits and I tell myself it’ll never happen. That itcan’thappen because I don’t trust that I’d make a good mom. I still fear I’ll become the mom who raised me.

My mom’s influence on me is more than I care to admit. As much as I’ve forgiven her, part of me still hates her for what she did to me. I hate how much she’s affected me as a person. I blame her for my indecision over having kids. I should want them, right? Doesn’t everyone? I guess some people don’t, so maybe I’m just one of those people. But I don’t think I am. When I saw that photo of Sara’s baby, I got this warm feeling inside. He looked so sweet and tiny and I just wanted to pick him up and hold him. I thought that was a sign I should be a mom, but then I realized everyone feels that way about babies.

I’m so confused. I don’t know what I want. I need to think about it some more. I don’t have to decide right now. Garret wouldn’t want kids for years. He wants to get through college and maybe get his MBA or start his business. So I have time.

“It’s Friday night.” Garret’s voice startles me. “You want to go out?”

“Where do you want to go?”

“Let’s go to a movie. Friday night’s date night, right?”

I look up at him. “Do you have a date?”

“Are you saying I don’t?”

“You shouldaska girl on a date, not just assume she’ll go out with you. I bet even Max knows that.”

“Hey, don’t start talking about bow-tie boy. I’m trying to forget about him.”

“Are you going to ask me out or not?”

He tucks my hair behind my ear and says very formally, “Jade. Would you go out with me this evening to the local cinema?”

“Do I get to pick the movie?”

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