Page 227 of Finding Us

And here’s another topic she refuses to talk about, so I’m a little surprised she’s bringing it up.

“You’re burning yourself out, Jade. You need to take some breaks.”

“I know, and I’m going to try to.”

“Hey, when I was at the gym I met that guy, Dylan, the one that Harper knows. Brook’s fiancé.”

“Oh, yeah? That’s weird. He’s not even a student. Why was he at the gym?”

“Staff and faculty of the college can use the gym, too. Anyway he said Brook called you a few times and you didn’t call her back.”

“I got busy and forgot.”

“Jade, you shouldn’t blow her off like that. If you don’t want to meet her, just tell her you’re busy.”

“Idowant to meet her, just not right now.”

“Dylan and some of his friends are watching a football game Saturday night. They asked if I wanted to come over. Do you care if I go? I’d rather take you out on Saturday night but if you don’t want to then—”

“I have a calculus test on Tuesday so I need to study. You should go hang out with the guys.”

“Are you sure? Because I don’t have to go. I can stay here.”

“You’re going. Now let’s watch the movie.”

Jade falls asleep 10 minutes later. I carry her to bed and she’s so tired she doesn’t even wake up. It’s still early so I go back in the living room and watch TV.

I’m not sure what to make of Jade tonight. She sounded like she wanted kids, but was that just because she spent time with Caleb? I’m not getting my hopes up. But at least it’s a step in the right direction.

CHAPTERFIFTY-THREE

JADE

I wake up at 2 a.m., my heart racing because I just had a dream that I forgot to study for a test and ended up failing it. I had a similar dream last week, but it was one in which I forget to turn in a paper.

I sit up a little and lean against the headboard as my heart rate returns to normal.

The past three weeks I’ve been completely overwhelmed. My classes are more than I can handle. I feel weak for saying that, but it’s true. It’s too much math and science all at once. I desperately want to drop a class but then I’d feel like a failure. And I’m afraid Garret, Frank, and Ryan would think I’m a failure, too. I don’t want them thinking I’m not smart enough to get through the semester. Because I know I’m smart enough. I just don’t have enough hours in the day to complete all the homework and study for tests.

Two weeks ago I had my first quiz in advanced calculus and I got a 75. With the grading curve it turned out to be a B minus, but for me that’s failing. I’ve never had a 75. I didn’t tell Garret about it. He’d tell me I’m overreacting but he doesn’t get how much I worry about this stuff. I won’t get into med school if I keep getting 75’s on my tests.

That’s the other thing. Lately I’ve been rethinking the med school idea. Even though I’m good at science and math, I don’t really like them that well. I just always thought that if you’re good at something, you should pursue it as a career. And I always wanted a job where I could help people, so the doctor idea made sense. But I don’t have to be a doctor to help people. I could do something else. I just don’t know what.

This is why I never wanted anyone to know I was thinking about med school. I was never 100% sure about it, but now I feel pressured to continue down this path. Frank, Ryan, Grace, and Garret will all think I’m a failure if I don’t pursue this, especially since I don’t have an alternative in mind.

For now I just need to get through this semester. Maybe after that I’ll make a decision. Unfortunately I don’t know how I’ll make it through the next few months. To keep up, I’ll have to study even more, which means spending even less time with Garret. I already feel like I never see him. Every time he asks me to do something, I turn him down. I don’t like doing that, but I need to study. He’s been really understanding and supportive, but I know he’s getting tired of this. I am, too. I miss him. We live together and yet I miss him. How messed up is that?

That’s why I finally took tonight off and watched a movie. Being with Sara and Caleb earlier gave me some perspective. Here I am complaining about being overwhelmed with classes, and poor Sara is trying to raise a baby on her own. Talk about being overwhelmed. It makes my stressing over homework seem completely stupid.

I can’t imagine what Sara’s going through. I know she struggles to pay her bills and I wish I could help her but she won’t let me. Last week she said she was running out of diapers but that she couldn’t buy more until payday which wasn’t for two more days. I gave her a twenty and she gave it right back. She hates taking money from people, just like I do. She wants to be able to support Caleb by herself, and she’s really trying, but her job at the coffee shop doesn’t pay enough, which leaves her struggling to make ends meet.

I told her to take the money I offered her and to pay me back later if she felt she had to. She still refused and said she’d try to get an extra shift at work. She’s as stubborn as I am. Now I understand why Garret was so frustrated with me last year when I wouldn’t accept his help.

After Sara told me about her money problem, I snuck in the coffee shop later that day and left a $20 bill on a table that was waiting to be cleaned. There was some money already there to cover the check but the people who left it didn’t include a tip. People always forget to leave a tip because most people order at the counter. But the waitress still brings your food and fills your drink so you’re supposed to leave a tip.

Anyway, after I left the tip, I stood outside and watched as Sara cleaned the table. When she saw the money, she covered her face and I saw her shoulders shaking. She was so relieved to get the money, she was crying. I was glad she didn’t know it was from me. I’d rather have her think it was from some random customer, someone who thought she did a good job or who thought she could use some extra money.

Sara needs that. She needs to have faith in people so she doesn’t turn into the person I was before I met Garret. Someone who thinks nobody cares and that you can’t rely on anyone but yourself. Sara’s not there yet and I’m hoping that tip she got will act as a gentle reminder that she can count on people.

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