Page 228 of Finding Us

“Jade, what are you doing?” Garret notices me sitting up in bed. “Why aren’t you sleeping?”

“I was thinking about Sara.” I lie down beside him. “Last week I gave her some money because she really needed it, but I didn’t tell her the money was from me. I made it look like it was a tip from a customer. That wasn’t wrong, was it? I mean, it’s not considered lying, is it?”

“No. Not at all. Sara’s stubborn and she doesn’t like taking help from people. She’s just like you that way.”

“It’s totally frustrating. She needs money but she won’t take it from me.”

“Believe me, I know how frustrating that can be.” He pulls the blanket over me and kisses my cheek.

“I was a real pain in the ass last year, wasn’t I?”

“Let’s just say you were frustrating.” He hugs me into his chest. “You still are, but I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

He goes back to sleep, but I can’t. I keep hearing noises in the house and think someone’s trying to break in. I’m still freaking out about seeing those guys get shot in the parking lot. I keep thinking the shooter saw me and is going to come after me. Three weeks have gone by and nothing’s happened so I probably don’t need to worry, but I still do. Garret keeps telling me it’s over and to relax, but at the same time he’s been super cautious ever since it happened. He takes me to and from class and calls and checks on me whenever we’re not together. So despite what he says, I know he’s worried about it, too.

I finally fall asleep, and a few hours later the alarm is beeping. I dread getting up because getting up means going to class and getting even more homework on top of the stuff I haven’t even finished.

The talk I gave myself last night about needing to take time off and not work so hard is all forgotten when I go to organic chem and get my test back with a giant C written on it. I spent forever studying for that test so I wasn’t expecting to get a C. But I’m finding organic chemistry is more difficult than regular chemistry. Or it could just be that my professor sucks, because he does. He’s not good at explaining things in simple terms. He uses so much chemistry jargon that I have to keep referring to the glossary in the back of the book to make sure I’m understanding him correctly.

The bad grade I got pushes me to return to the nonstop studying that I told myself I wasn’t going to do. I was supposed to take some breaks and not stress out so much, but I can’t seem to make myself do it.

I study constantly for the rest of the week, including Friday night and all day Saturday. Garret leaves me alone. He can tell I’m in a crappy mood. He just doesn’t know it’s because I got a bad test grade.

Saturday night, Garret goes over to his new friend’s apartment to watch a football game. I haven’t met this Nate guy but Garret seems to like him. He said there will be about 10 other guys there, including Dylan.

While Garret’s gone I study for my calculus test. I never know how to study for math. It’s not like you can memorize anything. You just have to keep doing practice problems and hope they put similar problems on the exam. When I’m done with calculus, I read a chapter in my organic chemistry book. It’s so boring.

This is not how I want to spend my Saturday night. Everything in my life just seems so out of balance right now and I don’t know how to fix it.

When Garret gets home at 10, I’m angry, frustrated, and exhausted. He has no idea what he’s walking into. I shouldn’t be around him, or anyone, right now. I’m so tense I just want to scream.

“Hey.” Garret comes over and kisses me. “Did you get your studying done?”

“I never get my studying done. As soon as I get caught up, they pile on more.”

“Why don’t you quit for tonight and hang out with me?” He pulls me up to standing.

“I told you, I’m not done yet.” I back away from him.

“Jade, it’s late and I think it’d be good if you took a break.”

“Stop telling me to take a break! I can’t take a break!” Shit. I did not mean to yell at him like that.

“Why can’t you take a break?” He steps closer to me.

“Because I’m failing my classes. That’s why.”

“What do you mean you’re failing?”

“I got a 75 on my calculus quiz a few weeks ago.”

“Yeah? So? That’s probably a B with the grading curve. And it’s just a quiz. You’re not failing the class.”

“I studied really hard for that quiz, Garret, and I still got a 75. And then I got a C on my organic chem exam and it’s a big part of my grade.”

“That’s not failing. You’re overreacting here.”

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