Page 242 of Finding Us

“What kind of information?”

“He wanted to know my last name. And after I told him, he asked if I was one of THEKensingtons, and I said no.”

“Why did you say no?”

“Because he was being nosy and it was a weird thing to ask.”

“No, it’s not. People ask me that all the time.”

“Whatever. I didn’t like him. I mean, he seemed like a nice guy but I don’t trust him.”

“What else did he ask you?”

“I don’t remember. He just bugged me. And now he knows I lied to him. He’s always in there when I go to get coffee so now he’ll be asking me why I lied.”

“Just ignore him. You don’t have to answer his questions.”

We’re at Jade’s car now. I click the key remote to unlock it and open her door. “You sure you’re okay to drive? I could run you home quick.”

“I’m okay.” She gives me a kiss. “I’ll see you tonight. Love you.”

“Love you, too. If you need me to stop and get you anything on the way home, just let me know.”

She gets in the car. “Would you bring home some ice cream?”

“Sure, what kind do you want?”

“I want a sundae from that ice cream shop.”

“What do you want for dinner?’

“Just the ice cream. With my stomach all messed up, ice cream is the only thing that sounds good.”

I lean into the car and kiss her. “Then I’ll get you ice cream. Maybe we’ll both have ice cream for dinner. See ya tonight.”

She drives off with a huge smile on her face. Jade’s smiled more in the past few days than she has in weeks and it’s all because she dropped those two classes. Last Saturday when we had a fight and she kicked me out of the bedroom, I was lying on the couch thinking I needed to convince her to drop a class. I knew she’d get mad at me for even suggesting it, but I was going to do it anyway. Luckily, she came to that conclusion herself.

But I didn’t know she felt that way about med school. That was a surprise. Truthfully, I never felt that being a doctor was the right choice for her. I knew she could do it and I knew she’d be a good doctor, but I didn’t think she’d be happy doing it. When she talked about it, she never seemed that excited. And she seemed unsure. She’d never commit to going to med school. She’d always say she was still thinking about it. I should’ve taken that as a sign she didn’t want to do it.

I’ve found that I have to really push Jade to figure out what she wants. Most of the time she won’t even let herselfthinkabout what she wants because she doesn’t think she can have it, or that she’sallowedto have it.

It goes back to her childhood again. As a kid, she wanted the things all kids want, and I don’t mean toys and bikes and stuff like that. I mean things that should be a given, like love, a safe home, parents who’d take care of her. When she never got those things, she learned to stop wanting them. She learned to stop trying to get them. Then her mom made her feel like she didn’t deserve those things. Like she was a bad person for even wanting them. Because of that, Jade has a hard time figuring out what she wants and when she finally does figure it out, she tries to deny herself from having it because she doesn’t think she deserves it.

It took me a while to learn this about her but I gradually figured it out last year when she kept pushing me away. I knew she wanted us to be together. I knew she was happy when I was around. But she kept pushing me away because she didn’t think she deserved the friendship and the love that I kept trying to give her, or the happiness she felt when we were together.

It’s such a foreign concept to me that I have to keep reminding myself that she thinks like that. And now that I know that about her, it’s my job to push her into doing what makes her happy. As odd as it sounds, she’s much more comfortable making herself miserable than making herself happy. It’s something I have to continually work on with her. It’s not easy because she’s good at hiding what she really wants. I should’ve picked up on her clues about not wanting to go to med school but I didn’t. I’m just relieved she opened up to me now instead of waiting years from now to tell me this.

I have 10 minutes until my next class starts so I’m sitting by the fountain in the middle of campus and soaking up some sun. I’m freaking exhausted after missing so much sleep last weekend taking care of Jade. I should go to the pool later and work on my shoulder, but I’m too tired to do it.

My phone rings. It’s Harper. Usually she calls Jade, not me, so this is surprising.

“Hey, Harper, what’s going on?”

“Hey, how’s Jade? Is she any better? I didn’t want to call and wake her up.”

“She’s a lot better. She’s going back to class tomorrow. You can call her. She’s not sleeping.”

“Okay, but before I do I wanted to ask you something. Sean and I want to fly out there next week for Jade’s birthday. Moorhurst doesn’t have classes Friday and we really want to see you guys.”

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