Page 251 of Finding Us

He lays over me and I smile as I feel him between my legs, hard and ready. “I thought we were planning our date.”

“We are.” He says it by my ear as he pushes inside me. “Go ahead.”

“I can’t now,” I say, breathlessly.

He kisses my neck, his hips moving in a slow rhythm. “If we stay in tonight, we’ll just end up doing this again.”

I’m still smiling. “Then we’re definitely staying in.”

And that’s what we do. But our Friday date night ends up being more than just sex. We order a pizza, watch a movie, and cuddle on the couch. Andthenhave sex.

Over the weekend, Garret and I catch up on homework since we both missed classes while I was sick. On Sunday, Garret goes to the gym and the pool to do his shoulder exercises.

His shoulder isn’t hurting as much since he started doing physical therapy. I sat in on one of his sessions. It didn’t look easy. They had him doing push-ups and resistance training with bands. It made me tired just watching it. After all that, you’d think his shoulder would hurtmore, not less, but after weeks of doing this, he’s in a lot less pain now.

Monday, I start getting excited about my birthday. But then Wednesday morning arrives and I wake up feeling depressed. Every year I tell myself I’m over it and I’m not going to think about it, but then I do. I can’t help it.

Today is the anniversary of the day my mom killed herself and no matter how hard I try, I can’t get that day out of my head. I just want to erase it from my memory, but I can’t. It just remains there, vivid and new, like it just happened, even though it was years ago.

I can still see my mom sitting across from me at breakfast that morning, telling me how she was going to order pizza for my birthday. I remember feeling a twinge of happiness when she said it. I couldn’t believe she wanted to do something for my birthday and that she was even acknowledging it.

I went to school that day with this tiny glimmer of hope that maybe my mom was getting better. Maybe something had changed. Maybe I’d come home from school and she’d tell me she’d decided to stop drinking. I don’t know why I thought that. I knew better. But for years, I’d held on to this fantasy of her changing into the mom I wanted. The mom I needed. And for whatever reason, on that morning when she promised me pizza, I really believed she was going to change.

Then I got home that afternoon and my fantasy world and my real world came crashing down all at once. When I saw her there on the bathroom floor, I was in total shock. I knew she was dead, but I still screamed and yelled at her to wake up. I was so angry. She couldn’t do that to me. She couldn’t leave me like that. She hated me and treated me horribly, but she was all that I had. And then she was gone. I collapsed on the floor and sobbed over her lifeless body. I hugged her and begged her to come back. I would never in a million years tell anyone that. Not even Garret. I don’t want anyone to ever know how much I hurt that day and how much of me she took with her when she died.

It was easier, both then and now, to pretend her death had no effect on me. And so at breakfast, when I see Garret giving me that look, I cut him off when he asks how I’m doing.

“I’m not talking about it, Garret, so don’t even start.” I go to the fridge and take out the jug of orange juice.

“Jade, you can’t tell me you don’t think about it.” He takes the orange juice from me and sets it on the counter, then brings me into his arms for a hug. “I want you to be able to talk to me about this.”

“I need to move on.” I try to free myself from his hug but he’s so strong I can’t pull away. “And I can’t move on if you keep pushing me to talk about it.”

“I’m not pushing you. If you don’t want to talk about it, fine. I just want to be here for you.” He kisses the top of my head.

“The best thing you could do for me is just to pretend it didn’t happen.”

He lets me go, but takes my hand and leads me to the table to sit down with him. “But itdidhappen. And I know you think about it, especially today.”

“Why would I think about it? Why would I want to remember that? You don’t like thinking about the dayyourmom died.”

“Of course I don’t like thinking about it. But I still do, and I know you do, too. That’s why I’m trying to be here for you. You were withmelast year on the anniversary of my mom’s death.”

Garret’s mom died in a plane crash the day before Thanksgiving when he was just 10 years old. It was a small private plane. Garret said his mom thought they were dangerous so she’d usually only fly in regular planes, but that day she agreed to take the private plane because she was in a hurry to get home to start baking pies for Thanksgiving. She’d been at a fundraiser for a senator who was one of Pearce’s friends. Pearce had to fly home early for a meeting, but Garret’s mom stayed behind to go to a party for the senator. It was his plane that crashed and they were both on it.

Garret and his dad didn’t have Thanksgiving that year. And I think that’s why Garret’s family never has a real Thanksgiving at home. They always take a trip to a tropical island every Thanksgiving. Garret said that was all Katherine’s idea but I kind of think it was Pearce’s idea, too. He probably likes being far away from home. Far away from anything that would remind him of that day.

“Last year, you wouldn’t even talk about that day,” I say to Garret. “We went to your old house and you didn’t even mention what day it was.”

“I didn’t talk about the plane crash but I talked abouther. That day usually sucks for me. I used to spend it drinking until I passed out. But last year I spent that day with you and I didn’t need to drink. I didn’t even have the urge to. You made me feel differently about that day. I got through it and yeah, I was sad, but it wasn’t the same sadness I felt before. I didn’t feel the need to get rid of the sadness by drinking. Instead I just accepted it. And on Thanksgiving I made you the sandwich she used to make me. I always make that sandwich on Thanksgiving in case maybe she’s watching. It’s my way of remembering her. And I wanted to share that with you.”

“It’s just that you didn’t act sad and depressed on that day so I don’t know why you expect me to act that way today.”

“I’m not expecting you to act that way. I just want you to feelsomething. Anything.”

“Why? What difference does it make?”

“Jade, stop trying to pretend it didn’t happen. I know today is hard for you and I just want to help.”

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