Page 34 of Jobe

“See, when I was about eight years old, we went to a Fourth of July parade and I saw soldiers marching. I’d never seen anything so amazing. Perfect uniforms. Perfect unison.” He gave a little smile as he looked back down at her, “That was it, doll. I knew at eight years old what I wanted to be. I began to study everything I could about the military and knew I wanted to be in the Special Forces. So I got my grades up in high school, went to a community college and then enlisted.

“The training for SF was the hardest thing I’d ever experienced but when it was over, I understood real responsibility. Real duty. The team and the mission were everything. That kind of discipline was perfect for me.

“The first tour was difficult, but I was in Tony’s squad and those men were the best of the best. I wanted to always make sure I deserved to be there. Put them first. Put the mission first. We all clicked as a group and were successful.”

He shifted in the bed to find a more comfortable position before continuing. “I met you and thought I had it all. Perfect career, perfect woman.

So far, his recitation had been impressive, but nothing that she did not already know. When they had first gotten together, she was around his family and knew how close they were…how his sisters leaned on him for strength and protection. They were so proud of his military career. His father would nearly burst with pride when talking about his son.

“It took years for me to realize that my life was about control. My control helped protect my sisters. Helped my family. Helped my squad. Absolute control. If I left nothing to chance, then nothing could go wrong. When I left to go into the military, I had my best friend look after my family. Took over my duties.” He hung his head for a moment, the memories washing over him. Feeling a small hand on his arm, he looked up at Mackenna’s concerned expression but could not find the words to reassure her.

Like ripping off a band-aid quickly, he blurted, “I got an email from my parents telling me that Hannah had been hurt. My goddamn best friend tried to rape her.”

Mackenna’s gasp slipped out as she saw Jobe’s face contort in pain and anger. She watched as he slowed his breathing, regaining the control he so desired.

He swallowed several times before continuing, “She wasn’t hurt badly, at least physically. He was supposed to be escorting her home from the library when he took advantage of her. When she rejected him, he drug her into an alley…someone heard her scream and called the police.”

The silence in the room crept over them, each to their own thoughts. “What happened to him?” she asked softly, her fingers still stroking his arm.

“Asshole served some time. Got back out but isn’t in the area anymore. I dealt with him when I got out of the Army.”

She did not ask him how he dealt with it…she was too afraid of the answer.

“I was so angry. Stuck overseas. Couldn’t help my parents. Couldn’t help my sister. It was as though all of my control was slipping away.”

“You never told me any of this. We were together at this time. I could have helped—”

“No,” he barked. “Don’t you see, it was my job. My responsibility. And part of that job was to keep you safe as well. How the hell was I going to dump on you if I couldn’t be around to make it better?”

She wanted to retort, to fight back. She wanted to argue that if they had a genuine partnership, he would not have had to worry about control. But instead she just pursed her lips tightly, letting him finish.

“So I tightened up.” He lifted his eyes to hers and saw the confusion on her face. “I started trying to control everything. I became immersed in our missions. I was known as having the most control of anyone on the squad. If they needed something or someone, they turned to me.” He sighed, shaking his head slightly. “Then it all went to hell.”

She watched as he rubbed his hand over his face as though to wipe memories away. This man who had always seemed so strong…what happened?

“We were out on a mission. We’d finally accomplished the rescue and were on our way out of the village. I was the last to leave, bringing up the rear. I was to make sure that no one was seeing us leave—that we slipped out as quietly as we slipped in. If anyone noticed, I would have taken care of it.”

She continued to move her fingers along his arm, totally involved in the story knowing that something dreadful must be coming. Like watching a scary movie, knowing you should shut your eyes but kept them foolishly open anyway.

“I heard cries from the same hut as before, so I made my way to the window to peek in, to make sure there was no one who had seen us.” He closed his eyes tightly to shut out the scene…but it came back anyway. It always did.

“A man was on top of a woman, her gown pushed up to her waist and he was…at first I thought they were just fucking but I could see her crying as she tried to push him away. Fighting him. I froze, Mackenna. I just fucking froze.

“My job was to get the fuck outta there without letting anyone see us, but that woman turned her face toward the window and I heard her gasp as she realized I was standing there.”

He hesitated as he brought his gaze back to hers. “I realize that you can’t possibly understand the code. The mission. But my job was to neutralize any threat. Any threat. And right then, I should have shot them both.”

She held onto the gasp, knowing that the last thing he needed was censure from her.It’s not my place to know what their code was, knowing that he did what he was trained to do to keep the squad alive.

Licking her lips, she just nodded, willing him to finish his tale.

“But all I could see was Hannah.”

Her eyes widened at this revelation.

“It was as though I were looking at Hannah underneath that rutting bastard and I wanted to kill him.” Rubbing his hand over his face again, he continued. “I hesitated. Special Forces never hesitate. We are so disciplined and trained that we never hesitate. Whatever the mission calls for that is what we do, or else my brothers could die. But I fucking hesitated. I made it personal. Then I saw red and started to go to her. I looked at the woman’s eyes and saw fear. Embarrassment. Pain.

“And then I totally fucked up. Instead of killing him and her too or at the least, leaving quickly…I actually moved toward the window thinking to help.”

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