Page 35 of Jobe

Jobe turned his anguished eyes toward Mackenna and said, “All I fucking saw was Hannah laying there. It was as though I was moving toward my sister. “Then swear to God, that woman moved quicker than anything as she rolled over, grabbed the man’s gun and before I could get to her, she put the gun to her head and pulled the trigger.”

Closing his eyes tightly, he could still see the blood and brains splatter the room. Opening his eyes, his vision cleared and he saw Mackenna looking at him, hanging on his every word.I have to have her understand. I lost it then. I lost the me that she knew then.

“My weapon had a silencer…hers did not. So as I stared at her broken body, still seeing my sister, I heard Tony on my radio to get the hell out. So do you see? I compromised the mission, my brothers, because I lost control. I allowed my emotions to rule and almost got everyone killed.”

“You did what you needed to do, Jobe,” she whispered, wanting to give him absolution. “What anyone should do. You tried to help.”

He shook his head slowly, disagreeing. “To the average Joe, yeah sure. But to a soldier, I was wrong. Dead wrong.”

“What happened then?”

“We got out of there, most of the team not realizing what occurred and we made it to the rendezvous point intact. Got back to the base and then I lost it. Went on a rampage. All my anger and rage came out. Rage over not being there to help my sister. For putting her in the hands of someone I trusted who turned out to be a rapist. Rage over almost killing my squad. Rage over anything that made me feel like I could not control.”

He held her gaze, refusing to look away. “And that included you. I…I knew that I couldn’t keep you safe or have thoughts of you invading my mind when I was on missions. Just having a relationship that I couldn’t control and would possibly take away my concentration…I went berserk. I ransacked my bunk. Grabbed your letters and tore them into a million pieces.”

Her gasp cut into him as he knew he was giving her more pain.

“The others had no idea what was happening except for Gabe, Vinny, and Tony. By the time they intervened, I had already sent you the Dear John email and destroyed most of my room.”

He felt her fingers still on his arm and wondered if she would take away her touch now. Slowly, they began their movements again and he let out the breath he had not realized he was holding.

“Tony told me I had to get immediate counseling before he would let me go back on another mission and I readily agreed. Nothing was going to keep me from the squad. So I did exactly what he said. Three weeks of intensive counseling by the Army shrink.” Giving a rueful snort, he said, “The guy was okay but honestly, his job was to get me back in the field. So while I did learn about control with him, I went right back into missions with the idea that ultimate, absolute control was everything.”

He held her gaze, wondering what was going through her mind, but found the words to ask were stuck in his throat.

“And…I…did not fit into that picture anymore…did I?” she asked, pain lacing every word.

12

Jobe stared at the woman that he had never stopped loving. Even when he tried to deny it. Even when he convinced himself that loving was the same as losing control. Even when he got out of the Army and knew that he had thrown away the best of him.

Swallowing hard, he said, “At that time…no, there was no room for the uncertainty of love.” He saw his words slice into her and he cursed.

“But fuck, doll. I was wrong.” Seeing the tears well in her eyes, he rushed on. “When we got out, I’d been decorated, praised for the dedication to the Forces, revered by my squad members as being the cool, level-headed one in all missions. But I was empty on the inside. Came home, spent time with my family.

“Hannah was married with a baby on the way. She had gotten into counseling and I envied her. She was stronger than I’d ever seen.” The silence slid over them for a few minutes, each processing their memories. “She was the one that got me into counseling. I started going to a VA counselor who finally broke through my fucked up priorities.”

He shifted again slightly, hoping her hand would stay on his arm. He was not disappointed. He was not even sure if she were aware of her touch on his skin. But he was. That little touch. That human contact. That tiny evidence that maybe, just maybe she would be able to learn to forgive him.

“What,” she hesitated as she cleared her throat, “what did you learn?”

“I learned about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and how it affects different people in different ways. I didn’t have nightmares…well, sometimes I did. But not as much as many others. I didn’t become disabled…instead, I went in the opposite direction. I became a workaholic. If I became the best goddamn SF, then I could make up for not being there for my sister. For not being there for my family. For almost fucking up the mission with my squad. I had substituted control for my own humanity.”

Nodding slowly, Mackenna knew that what he said fit some of the patterns she had read about. Licking her dry lips, she asked the question that had been plaguing her for weeks since he had come back into her life.

“Why did you not try to find me? Reach out to me?”

“Would it have made a difference?”

Her gaze jerked up to his, a sharp retort on her tongue.

He quickly added, “Not that I blamed you. But I knew you hated me. Hated everything I had thrown away. Everything I had done.” Her silence was his acknowledgment that what he said was true. “I thought about you all the time. I could have so easily found out where you had moved to once I was working with Tony and we had all the resources needed at my fingertips. Where you lived. Where you worked.”

“But you didn’t?” Her question was more of a statement of what she knew. He had not even tried to find her.

“I could not stand the thought of seeing you with someone else. A Facebook page showing you happy in another relationship. I know that was selfish because I did want you to be happy. I…I guess I was a coward. I just did not want the evidence of you without me. But I also didn’t feel like I could try to get your forgiveness. It took me a helluva long time in counseling to see what had happened to myself. How could I even try to get you to understand?”

“I wish I’d known,” she said, wistfulness filling her voice.

---