Page 36 of Jobe

She stared down at where her hand rested on his arm, the feel of his warm skin underneath her fingertips.

“I just wanted sex earlier. No emotion, just sex,” she said absentmindedly. He said nothing. “I just wanted to feel…something besides being sad.” He still remained quiet. Her eyes looked back into his. “I guess I should have known I couldn’t just have sex with you, no matter how much I told myself that it was just that.”

Sighing deeply, she continued, “I did hate you for a while. When I got your email…that was the same week that dad was diagnosed with cancer. In fact, if you want to know about shit timing, I had sat down at my computer to send you a message telling you when I opened your email breaking up with me.”

“Baby, I’m so—”

“No, Jobe. Let me get this out. Please.”

He sighed, knowing he owed her much more than that. He found his hand had wandered to her blanket covered leg and he felt the warmth radiating from her body through the material.

“I finished college while dad underwent chemo. I spent every weekend with them, watching him get weaker and weaker.” Her gaze met his but held no anger. Just resignation. “I tried to write you back, sure that you had just reacted out of a bad mood or something. I couldn’t believe that you could just set me aside so quickly. So callously. But the emails were not answered. The letters were unanswered.

“I couldn’t let my dad see my pain, so I didn’t tell my parents. Dad would talk about how he wanted to live long enough to walk me down the aisle and I let him keep dreaming. It broke my heart, but I let him plan while all along I knew you were gone.”

Swallowing several times to keep the tears from coming, she continued, “He finally passed, slipping away peacefully in the night. Hospice had come in and his pain was controlled by morphine. Mom and I were there, each holding his hand.” A lone tear escaped her tightly shut eyes.

“I let you go then, Jobe. I had no room in my heart for more grief. More pain. So all the hope I had clung to…just slipped away.” Her pain-filled eyes searched his. “I allowed myself to become bitter. That’s what kept me going.”

Shaking her head slowly, she said, “And for about four years that worked. I got a job in social work, we sold the house that was way too big for us and moved into a smaller condo. Mom wanted me to have my own life, but I just couldn’t leave her alone. Maybe the truth is that I didn’t want to be alone either.

“I thought I had gotten over you, but sometimes, in the middle of the night, when all was quiet…the tears would come again.”

The pain in his heart was so piercing, he moved his hand over his chest, rubbing absentmindedly as though to ease the ache.

“And just when I thought that life was getting back to some semblance of order, mom had her stroke. I was terrified, Jobe,” her voice cracked. “I didn’t know how I would survive another loss. First you and then dad. If I lost mom too, I knew I’d give up.”

Wiping another stray tear, she plunged on, “So I got a job in Richmond that actually dealt with women’s issues, moved us here so that she had better rehab care and…well, that’s where my story ends. I had finally worked to put you completely behind me when you popped back up.”

Giving a little shrug, she said, “I guess that’s all there is.”

“Not all, baby,” he said, reaching over to wipe a tear. Her eyes found his again. “We had a past. I fucked it up, but that’s still in the past. What about now? What about the future? Is there any way you can forgive me? Give me another chance? Give us a chance?”

He left his hand on her face as he stroked her cheek with his thumb, wiping the tears that continued to slide down. He wanted nothing more than to pull her in. Kiss those tears away. Change it all.Giving in to life is learning to hand over some control…the words of his counselor came back to him. Staring into her light, brown eyes, he knew he was lost. Lost in her. And it was perfect.Come on, doll. Please give me a chance.

Mackenna’s chest rose and fell with each breath as he held her gaze. Squeezing her eyes shut, she tried to dredge up the anger. The hate. The feeling of having lost everything. But it was not there. She could not find it. Her chin quivered as more tears streamed from her tightly closed eyes. All she wanted…all she needed…she opened her eyes…was right there in front of her.

“I…” her voice cracked. “I forgive you,” she whispered so softly that he was not sure for a second what she had said.

She saw his expression of uncertainty and repeated, “I forgive you, Jobe. But I’ve got to tell you that I’m scared. I can’t go through having my heart shredded again.”

“I’m not the same man I was, Mackenna. I can’t promise that I won’t ever make you mad or do something stupid. But I swear on my life…I’ll never walk away. I’ll never hurt you like that again. If all you can do is start with forgiving me, then I’ll take it from there. I’ll work every day to make sure you know that you’re the center of my world. Always.”

Her chin continued to quiver as she stared at the man in front of her. The anger and hate had disappeared with her forgiveness. He was not the same man she fell in love with seven years ago and she knew for sure that he was not the same man who fractured her heart two years after that. As she peered into his eyes, searching for the truth…she found it. And it wrapped around her soul.

“I…I choose us, Jobe,” she said, her voice choking with tears. “I choose us.”

He gasped as he broke into a sob, finally pulling her in tightly where she belonged. His head rested on her chest, her heartbeat steady in his ear. Unashamedly, he cried. Tears for the time that had been lost. The innocence surrendered. Time wasted fighting a battle that never should have been fought.

Her arms cradled him close to her as she realized that this strong man needed her. Wanted her. Using the edge of the blanket, she wiped his tears as she rocked him back and forth, offering comfort as much as taking it.

After several long minutes, Jobe lifted his head and placed a kiss on her lips. A whisper of a kiss. Reverent. Quiet, while speaking volumes.

He moved back, settling her against him now, with their positions changed. This time her head was cradled on his massive chest, his strong heartbeat underneath her cheek.

A slow smile curved the corners of her lips as the feeling of peace descended over the room. She melted into his embrace, knowing that she had missed this closeness most of all.

Moving her head back, they stared at each other for a moment before he leaned down and captured her lips once again. This time, as rediscovered lovers. Her lips were soft and pliant under his, allowing him to control the intensity, the depth.

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