Page 44 of The Associate

“No, no… I can’t…” Panic slowly sets in. “Not again…”

She wriggles against her restraints, trying to work them loose. “No, Genevieve, you need to get the fuck out of here.”

My breathing becomes faster, flashbacks of the guy on top of me, hands wrapped around my throat. I am panicking.What have I done?I became too caught up in the moment.

I free Viv’s hands from the headboard of the bed and run out the door. I don’t care who sees me, I run. I run up the stairs and into my room and straight to the bathroom, slamming the door behind me and locking it.

I can’t do it. Not again.

I am a fucking monster. Why can’t she see that? Why did she have to push my limits? I’m not ready for that.

I need help and maybe she is the one to help me, but not tonight, not yet.

* * *

It took a few hours sitting on the bathroom floor in the dark, the cool tiles against my body, hyperventilating, to calm myself down.

It’s the first panic attack I have had in a long time and I know if I am fighting the panic, a blackout is soon to follow. I have to stay as calm as possible. I have to stay away from her, at least inside the bedrooms. I can’t risk that happening again. I never want to hurt her.

I know what started my control issues and why I felt the need to dominate to the point of sending someone into unconsciousness, but Viv is too precious to me to hurt like that. She is all I think of when I am lying on that floor and I know those blackouts stem from my anxiety. It is a fucking bitch and I hate it.

I never used to get anxious in the bedroom, scoping out a job, or taking down a target. It was always professional.

Until about six months ago. The guy caught me off guard. It was a lot like the other night, scoping out Carlos: he had beaten his wife while I watched him. I couldn’t let that slide but what I didn’t know was that someone in our watch group had tipped him off, and even though it had only been myself and Lennox at that house that night, the guy had been drinking and I later found out that he was drinking with an ex member of Murwood. After being pinned underneath this guy, his hand wrapped around my throat, I could feel the world around me going dark. It had been that moment that I had decided that I would work alone.

The anxiety of being given away again always kept me from working with others. It is where my control issues come from.

I hear a light knock on the door of my room. I ignore it. I do not want anyone to see me in this state. No one knows about this, except Lennox and now the boss and I am going to keep it that way. Lennox was the first to witness my blackouts and I appreciate him for keeping them quiet, until now.

“Mason? Are you in there?” Viv’s voice calls through the doors.Thank fuck I locked it. If I stay quiet, maybe she will go away.

Another knock. “Mason, please, just let me in.”

The sound of her voice causes my heart rate to spike, the room spinning as I try to calm my breathing.Fuck, not again.

“Fuck off Viv,” I call back to her. She won’t leave otherwise. “I don’t need you fucking hanging around. Just leave me the fuck alone!”

“No Mason, I am not going to leave.” She bangs on the door. “Just let me in.”

“No. I don’t want you around, I don’t need you around, what part of that don’t you understand?” I growl. I am going to regret this but I need her out of here right now. I am lucky I can’t see her face. “We only need to make appearances when others are around. I gave you what you wanted and you saw who I am. I need to be alone and away from you.”

“You are a fucking asshole, Mason,” she spits at me through that door. “I hope you know that”. My bedroom door slams shut as she storms off down the hallway. I hear her feet fading into the distance. I am just glad she left now so I can calm myself down. I don’t need another blackout.

But I can’t.

The panic is rising again, my skin is crawling and my breathing is short. I am starting to hyperventilate and there is nothing I can do to stop this now.

My back against the wall, all I can feel is a hand around my throat, a crushing feeling against my chest, and then the sounds around me become muffled before everything goes black.

Chapter 15

Genevieve

What in the world just happened? One moment he is setting my world on fire and the next he is cutting off my breathing. I love the controlling aspect of him, I just wanted him to ease up the pressure. But he freaked out when he realised what he had been doing and fled.

I had to untie my own ankles.

He told me to fuck off, so I’m fucking off.

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