Page 526 of The Tempted

“Can I grub a cigarette, Bulldog?” she asked, flashing her killer smile and without hesitation my father reached into his cut and produced a pack of cigarettes.

“You’re my hero,” she exaggerated, pulling one from the pack. “If my mother looks for me tell her I’m slicing a salami or something,” she whispered, before sneaking out the door.

“Nikki’s going to dye my hair,” I said looking after her. “I like her a lot and she might just be your biggest fan. She has faith in you so if she does, it’d be a shame that your own daughter doesn’t,” I paused as he continued to stare at me blankly. “I don’t doubt that you’ll save him…them,” I corrected, before he pulled me against him, wrapping his arms tightly around me.

My eyes filled with tears as we held onto one another. All the things we never said to one another when I was a kid, was wrapped in that embrace. The fear of not being good enough resurrected. My insecurities of not being the child he wanted but was stuck with resurfaced. I couldn’t shake the thought, the unexplainable fear he would do anything in his power to save Blackie and Reina, only for him to be reunited with Jack Jr.

It’s hard to take your own life, but it’s relatively easy to allow someone else the privilege.

“Dad,” I said, pushing against his chest, lifting my eyes to his, and my fear became my reality. His eyes were his truth. There was nothing he wouldn’t do to save Blackie and Reina, and if that meant his life or theirs, he’d most definitely choose theirs.

“I see that look in your eye and it scares me, scares me more than any man charging into my house, more so than Blackie telling me I need to hide in a closet because they’re coming for me.”

I took a breath, biting down on my lip as the memory of Blackie kissing me washed over me. I wonder if I will always think of that kiss when I think of Blackie instructing me to shoot anyone who messes with me.

I do that…associate things with poignant moments in my life.

“They say we associate things with our childhood; scents, songs, even toys. They’re supposed to help us remember when our minds grow old with age and we are trying to hang onto our youth. I saw that look in your eyes my entire childhood and I’ll never forget it. I hate that look because it’s a reminder that for the last thirteen years, since Jack died, you didn’t want to be here anymore. I remember looking into your eyes and wondering if that day was the day you wouldn’t come back, to me, if you’d lose the struggle and end up with Jack.”

I stopped for a moment, studying his features, wondering if anything I was saying would stick with him.

“You always came back,” I smiled sadly, knowing he came back because he didn’t find the will in him not too. “I told myself it was because you realized I was still here and I still needed you, that you knew how much I loved you and how it would break my heart if I lost you,” I cried, wishing for it to be true.

“Lacey…” he interrupted but his sentence fell short, his mind was working him over taking him some place dark. Some place I was fighting not to go.

“Dad?” I said, trying to bring him back to me. “I know you miss Jack, but I’m still here,” I whispered. “And I need my dad. I’ll always need you so please promise me you’ll come back to me.”

Just bring him back with you.

“I love you, Lace,” he whispered, pressing his lips to my forehead before bringing me back against him, his strong arms enveloping me. “And I promise you a pack of wild horses couldn’t stop me from coming back to you. We’ll make good memories, I swear it.”

I closed my eyes, relished in his words and fought back the voice telling me they were a lie, choosing to hang on to his promise with everything inside of me…even my mind.

The door opened behind me and my club members walked inside.

“Bulldog,” Pipe called, signaling it was time for them to leave again.

“Yeah— “my dad said, dropping a kiss on top of my head. “Dry those eyes, your old man will be back,” he whispered.

Nikki stepped back into the clubhouse, spritzing herself with body spray to cover the scent of cigarettes and walked over to me. She ran her fingers over her hair as she looked knowingly at my dad.

“Come on, let’s see about dying these locks,” she offered.

I’m not sure if she befriended me out of gratitude towards my father or if she genuinely understood my fears. Maybe it was both.

“Thank you,” he said hoarsely.

“Thanks for the stogie,” she replied, grabbing my hands and leading me away. I glanced over my shoulder and watched as Riggs handed my father a bullet-proof vest. He strapped it on over his clothes before walking over to the reaper painted on the wall, laying one hand on the logo that signified the club before bowing his head.

Most people prayed to God but my father prayed to reaper on his back.

Jack Parrish.

My father.

The disciple of the devil.

I’m dancing and I don’t dance. I’m smiling and I don’t smile. I am changed even though I’ve given up on change.

You in the moonlight with your sleepy eyes

Could you ever love a man like me

But that time I saw you I knew with you to light my nights

Somehow, I'd get by

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