Page 83 of Parrish

“Jack,” Dr. Spiegel calls, drawing me back to the present. “Do you think taking your own life will make things better?”

Bringing a hand to my face, I scratch my jaw and look at her as if she’s the one who is crazy.

“What kind of question is that?”

“Answer it.”

“Of course things will be better if I’m dead. No more voices. No more pills. No more innocent casualties.”

“So, what you’re saying is that you’re better off dead,” she concedes, crossing her legs. “What about your family?”

“They’re better off too.”

The whole fucking world would be better off if Jack Parrish never existed.

“They’ll be devastated, Jack,” she replies.

“Really? Because guess what, doc? Reina has blocked me from her fucking memory. I’m fucking dead to her.”

“Lacey called me,” she retorts. “I’m aware of Reina’s condition. It’s actually very common in patients who have suffered the trauma she has.”

“Fuck that,” I roar. “She didn’t put the accident out of her head, she erased me and everything associated with me. For the love of God, she doesn’t remember Danny.”

“It’s temporary,” she argues. “I’m sure the doctors at the hospital told you that.”

“Fuck them and fuck you too.”

Sighing, she shakes her head. We’ve done this dance enough that she’s used to my vulgar tongue. She doesn’t even flinch anymore.

“Reina needs you, Jack. Do you remember our last session? The concerns you voiced?”

Crossing my arms against my chest, I don’t reply. I fucking remember but I ain’t really looking to revisit them.

“It was after we changed your medication.”

“I know when the fuck it was,” I bark.

“Then, maybe you remember telling me how scared you were of forgetting your wife.”

“Let’s get one thing straight, doc, I’m not scared of anything,” I clip, dropping my leg from my knee. As I fix her with a glare, I lean forward. “I don’t have dementia. I didn’t say I was scared of forgetting her. What I said was I didn’t want to lose my sanity. I didn’t want to give into the madness because if that happens, I’ll be too consumed by the paranoia to see what’s in front of me. I won’t be able to appreciate the blessings. I’ll look at her but I won’t fucking hear her. I’ll only hear my maker.”

“You’re letting your paranoia consume you now,” she points out. “By giving up and thinking Reina’s better off without you. Deep down you know that isn’t true and you’re letting your maker win. What is it that you always say? Reina brings you away from the darkness. Is that it? She’s your light.”

“She’s my everything.”

“Then how can you give up on her?”

“I’m not giving up on her,” I fire back. “Stop twisting my fucking words. If Pipe hadn’t shown up at the cemetery, I would’ve pulled that trigger and I would’ve been giving up on myself.”

“How is that any different than giving up on the person that completes you?”

“You know what, we’re done here,” I declare, pushing myself from the chair. “Save your mumbo jumbo for someone else.”

“Sit down,” she orders.

“Make me,” I dare.

“I know you struggle, Jack, just as I know you feel you’ve been deteriorating.”

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