Page 34 of Blackout

“Twenty-eight,” Linc replies.

“He’s known Cain had a son for twenty-eight years, Parrish,” I holler. “Never once did he give any of us any inclination of that.”

“What would that have changed?” Jack counters.

“Who knows, maybe it wouldn’t have changed anything but, maybe, we could’ve put together Yankovich’s motive sooner had we known.”

“Wolf didn’t know about Cain and Yankovich until a couple of days before it all imploded,” Jack argues.

“You know that for a fact?”

“Yes.”

“How?”

“What the fuck is this Blackie?” Jack shouts.

This is me, the struggling addict, trying to keep my fucking head above water. Me, the man who has a wife he’s tired of failing. A man who knows this doesn’t end well for any of us.

“As the man who is first to put himself in front of a bullet for you and the man who leads in your absence, I’m asking you how you know that?”

“You still take your orders from me, Black.”

“Answer the question, Jack,” Pipe interjects, taking a stand.

Like me, he doesn’t want to fucking sink either.

“He says he didn’t know and I fucking believe him,” Jack growls, slamming his hand against the table. “Do I need to remind all you motherfuckers what that man has done for this club? Yeah, he should’ve told us about Linc and he probably should’ve told us sooner about Cain’s connection to Yankovich but, for nearly thirty years that man has devoted his life to this family. Yeah, I said family,” he affirms, leaning over the table. “And you know why I said it? Because that’s exactly what that motherfucker made this club. Now, I dare any of you to tell me otherwise.”

“I know I’m the last person who should speak right now but, our president is right. Wolf has gone out of his way for everyone sitting at this table. For some, like me, he’s gone above and beyond personally. For others, for everyone with a bottom rocker, he’s done everything to keep this club above water. None of us would be sitting here if he didn’t have faith in the values this club holds,” Linc says.

“Fact,” Deuce agrees.

“He’ll be back,” Pipe says, leaning back against his chair as he pins his eyes to Jacks. “Take it from me, this club is embedded in his soul. He needs to ride like he needs to breathe but right now, he needs a break. He needs to find—”

“He needs to find his fucking heart is what he needs,” Jack interrupts. Lifting a finger, he points to every man at the table, including me. “You all think I’m fucking crazy when I tell you to find yours but those of you who found it, know I’m fucking right. There needs to be a balance and there needs to be something in your life that reigns over the patch. Something that makes life worth living and this ain’t it.”

As true as that is for most of the men sitting at this table, it’s not the case for me and Jack. We both have found our heart and neither of us will ever find that balance. For him, the patch reigns over his mind and his family and for me, it comes before my sobriety and my love for his daughter. I don’t tell him that though. Instead, I let the poor bastard think he’s got all the answers.

Lacey’s voice rings in my ears, reminding I don’t need to be perfect, I just need to be well.

Maybe if I take her advice the rest of this shit will fall into place.

Maybe I won’t feel like I’m suffocating anymore.

Maybe I won’t jones for a fix of poison.

Yeah, fucking right.

---