Page 84 of Blackout

Chapter Twenty-nine

BLACKIE

The district attorney gave Jack thirteen years. In the back of my head I knew it could’ve been worse. If I had been tried and convicted, I likely would’ve got double the time or even life. But knowing all that didn’t ease the sting and thirteen years seemed like an eternity to the people who loved him. The only one who didn’t seem all that bothered by the sentence was the man serving it.

Staging his final farewell, he walked out of the district attorney’s office and ordered Wolf to call church. Every man with a patch, new and old, gathered to say goodbye to the man who made them and theirs, his.

But the goodbyes didn’t stop there.

Jack had twenty-four hours before he was due to surrender, and he wanted to spend time with his children before he took the love of his life on their last date. Lacey was still reeling from the sentence and she was visibly distraught. The girl who promised only last night that we’d make it through suddenly didn’t seem so sure anymore.

Things proceeded to get worse when we arrived at Jack and Reina’s. Lacey made her way out back to where Jack and her brother were. I sat in the living room, wishing there was a way I could take away all their pain. I was lost in my own grief when Reina entered the room. Standing in front of the window, she watched her husband spend his final moments with his children. I’d be lying if I didn’t tell you I was relieved she didn’t strike up a conversation with me. I was sure I wouldn’t be able to look her in the eye knowing I was the cause of her heartache. But she didn’t ignore me for too long. Reina wasn’t a woman who went through life wearing rose colored glasses. She quietly observed the world around her and spoke her mind when passionate about the cause. She turned to me and made it clear that she didn’t blame me for Jack’s impending prison sentence. She even offered me some advice, and I found myself leaning on her, expressing my fears. The same fears I shared with Lacey the night before and I asked Reina how we were going to make it without the man who kept us all together.

A long time ago, before I got to know the woman who stole Jack’s heart, I questioned if she was a good fit for him. It didn’t take long for me to realize Reina was put on this Earth to love Jack. If I hadn’t, I would’ve realized it then, as she took a page from her husband’s script and schooled me on how to be the man her husband always struggled to be.

She said he bit off more than he could chew, that he tried to juggle it all—being a leader, a brother, a husband and a father. Her words weren’t necessarily filled with regret but rather encouragement. She wanted me to learn from Jack’s mistakes and like her better half; she wished a daughter on me. Apparently, Jack and Reina thought I’d be a sucker for a little girl.

I wasn’t against it.

Especially after witnessing how deep a bond runs between a father and his daughter.

Lacey, Jack, and Danny joined us a short while after, but the reunion was only temporary. Jack had big plans for his last night as a free man and had asked Grace Pastore to watch Danny. Always one to pitch in, Grace agreed. As they said their goodbyes to their little boy, she brought a platter of spaghetti and meatballs to the kitchen table.

Lacey and I decided to stick around and after dinner, Grace excused herself into the living room. We had watched him several times over the years, but this was different. It felt like it was a prelude to parenthood and more than that, a glimpse into life without Jack. The night continued with Lacey helping get her little brother get ready for bed and after she tucked him in, we both kissed him goodnight. As I turned on his nightlight and saw myself out of the room, I vowed to always be there for him.

The car ride home was silent, and I kept staring at the clock, counting down the hours until I’d meet my brothers at Jack’s and ride with him to turn himself in. I knew I wasn’t alone. We were all grieving a living man and there’s no right or wrong way to mourn. Knowing that, I didn’t press Lacey when she said she was going to bed. I didn’t worry about her illness taking over or try to talk the situation to death.

I let her be and in turn, I sat alone in the dark, reminiscing over days past.

Like the day I first met the self-proclaimed Bulldog.

And the day he took the gavel. I can still recall the smirk on his face as he turned and appointed me his vice president.

All the times we rode to hell with the Devil on our backs.

How he peeled me off my dead wife’s body and sat with me at her grave.

The nights he carried my drunk ass out of bars and all the times he flushed my drugs.

When he first told me to look out for his daughter and the day, he found out I stole her heart.

And how can I forget the day he gave me his blessing to marry her?

I never knew my father and sadly, never having a man to look up to or guide me didn’t bother and maybe that’s because I had Jack. A man I spent most of my life calling a friend and brother when he deserved a higher honor.

The trip down memory lane and the realization that I was losing a man I considered more of a father than the sperm donor responsible for my existence, was a lot to take in. I couldn’t sit in the house anymore or stare at the clock another second. I’d never be able to fill his shoes and there was no fucking point in trying.

Knowing that I grabbed the keys to my bike and left the house. I had no idea where I was headed until an hour later, I found myself riding through a seedy neighborhood in Queens. I didn’t run these streets, but I knew them like the back of my hand. Every corner dealer and every drug den. All the ways to score.

Now, here’s where the true test of fate lies. You see if I was truly capable of being the man both Jack and Lacey thought I could be, I’d tell you I turned my bike around and took my ass home. That I crawled into bed next to my wife and while she slept, I silently reaffirmed all the promises I’ve made to her. I’d tell you I held her close and swore to be the best version of myself.

To put her and our baby before everything.

To help her care for Danny.

To stay clean and sober.

But I ain’t that guy and I never fucking will be.

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