Page 130 of Blackout-

“I know,” I say with a nod. “I lost my first wife many years ago and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gone to her grave and talked to her headstone.”

“Well, I can’t do that while I’m here,” he replies. “So, I made an email account and I send her emails every day instead. I know she’ll never read them, but at least it makes me feel better about not going to see her.”

“You know, I think that’s a good idea,” Sunny says, turning back to me. “You’re worried you might upset Lacey and that she’s not ready to hear some of the things you have to say.”

Agreeing, I nod my head and hear her out.

“What if you took a page from Art’s book and created an email account for her? Send her everything your thinking and feeling. Get it all out and when you think she’s ready, give her the password to the account. Let her be part of your recovery but at her own pace,” Sunny suggests.

“Why don’t I grow a vagina while I’m at it?” I mumble, holding up a hand as I eye Art. “No offense, man, but where I come from, my brothers would have my balls on a silver platter if I did that.”

“Maybe we should stop caring so much about what other people think and do what we feel is right,” Sunny says, drawing my attention back to her. “You don’t think your so-called brothers would serve your balls up on a platter if they knew you were scared to call your wife?”

Did I mention Sunny also specializes in tough love? When she isn’t hugging trees and hanging the moon from the stars, she’s pushing my boundaries, getting me to see things in a new light. Albeit most of the time, I don’t like the view, but it beats meditating. Yeah, she’s got me doing that shit too.

As much as I want to tell her to fuck off, I know better. I’ve made a commitment here and as a man who once prided himself on his word, I need to honor that commitment for myself. I need to take Sunny and all her quirky logic seriously because she and this program are my only shot at living out the rest of my years happily and healthy.

“You really think it’ll help?” I ask reluctantly.

“I think it’s worth a shot,” she answers truthfully.

“Fine, I’ll do it,” I mutter, crossing my arms defiantly against my chest. After all, I never said I like playing by Sunny’s rules, just that I respect her opinion. I’m still a stubborn fuck.

“Before or after you call your wife?”

And, Sunny, she’s still a persistent little tree hugger.

The timer sounds signaling that our session is over, and the circle breaks up. Before Sunny can get me alone and torture me some more, I get the hell out of dodge. I’ve got an hour before we meet for dinner and two before I hold myself up in my room for the night. For a moment I think about hitting the gym but as I pass the call room, I pause. Poking my head inside, I spot the phone on the end table. The fact it’s free is like a fucking sign and I blow out a breath as I make my way inside the room. Closing the door behind me, I flick the switch on the wall that lights up the sign outside the room, signaling the phone is in use and make my way towards the chair.

Taking a seat, I reach for the phone. My fingers loom over the keys for a beat before I punch in Lacey’s cell number. My heart hammers against my ribs on the first ring and by the third, my fucking palms are sweating. Luckily, she answers on the fourth, sparring me another heart attack.

“Hello?”

It’s almost as if I’m hearing her voice for the first time. The world stops and I savor the moment, committing the sound to my memory.

“Hello? Oh, you know what, I’ve had enough of this shit. I don’t want to extend the warranty on my car, and I don’t have any student loans I need help with. I’m pregnant but I don’t need a medical grade back brace yet and if this is Jason from Solar U.S.A. I already told you my roof caved in from your fucking solar panels. Now, stop fucking calling me!”

I can’t help the laugh that escapes my lips and suddenly the line goes silent. Fearing she hung up, I sober up quickly and call her name.

“Lace.”

“Is it really you?” she whispers.

Smiling, I nod like she’s right in front of me and can see me.

“Yeah, baby, it’s me,” I rasp huskily. “Is this okay?”

“It’s good to hear your voice,” she replies softly. “And yes, it’s okay.”

Relieved, I sigh and settle back against the chair. My mind goes blank and all the things I’ve been wishing to say to her flee me. I just listen to her breathe and as weird as it sounds, it soothes me. It fucking calms the chaos inside of me. She may not be what Ineedto heal, but she’ll always be the medicine Ichoose. I don’t need poison. I don’t even want it. I just want her.

“Blackie,” she murmurs. “Are you there?”

“Yes,” I croak. “I’m trying to process this moment,” I admit, blowing out a breath. “It’s a big one, baby.”

“It’s just me,” she says softly.

“That’s just it, Lace,” I reply hoarsely. “It’s you.” Realizing I’m fucking this up, I shake my head. “I’m making this weird, aren’t I?”

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