Page 137 of Blackout-

“You say that now,” my mother argues. “But Lacey’s first word wasshit.”

“I thought my first word wasMama.”

“Oh, honey, that’s just what we wrote in your baby book. Mama looks a lot better on paper thanshit.”

“Actually, it wasfuckingshit,” my father corrects. “I remember.”

“You would.”

“Alright folks, why don’t we give Lacey a minute to wrap up her call and get dressed.”

“See what you did,” my mother snaps. “He’s kicking us out.”

“What I did? You’re the one who thought our granddaughter’s leg was a dick.”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake would you watch your mouth. You’re embarrassing our daughter.”

“Get out!”

At the sound of me shouting, the two of them stop bickering and look at me. Dr. Heltzer takes his cue and opens the door, quickly ushering them out of the room. Alone, I bang the back of my head against the exam table. Taking the phone off speaker, I lift the phone to my ear.

“Did you hang up?”

“No,” he says with a chuckle. “I forgot how entertaining those two could be.”

“Imagine Christmas with them and a baby.”

“It’s going to be great.”

“Blackie?”

“Yeah?”

“We’re having a little girl,” I whisper.

A precious little girl.

His.

Mine.

Ours.

Chapter Fifty-Three

Lacey

Four weeks later,after speaking to Blackie almost every day on the phone, I finally decided it was time to visit him. He was starting his twelve-step program and soon it would be time for him to make amends. It’s very emotional for a recovering addict and I didn’t want the first time we saw each other to be plagued by grief.

When I told Blackie I was coming to see him, he sounded relieved, and that hurt my heart. It was never my intention to make him feel as though I didn’t support him and I sure as hell didn’t want him to believe that I had given up on him. I was simply trying to protect myself from suffering through more pain. Everything I did, all the space between us was just me desperately trying to hold on to any shred of sanity I had left.

I told myself I was doing the right thing.

I argued I couldn’t survive another heartbreak.

That I needed to be sane for our daughter.

But our daughter needed her father, and I needed my husband.

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