Page 149 of Blackout-

No more masks.

No more hiding.

No more fake smiles.

“I’ve been fighting with my mind since you dropped that teddy bear in my lap. In the beginning, I could control it or at least I thought I could. Some days I couldn’t get out of bed no matter how hard I tried. Other days all I had to think about was the baby and I’d find a shred of strength in the promise of her. I don’t know when that changed when it became more difficult, but I started to lose sight of everything. I think it was the loneliness. Or maybe it was knowing you were getting well and not being sure you’d still love me.”

“Still love you…”

“Yeah, you were high when we got together and for most of our relationship, you’ve been struggling with addiction. It’s not hard to believe you wouldn’t love me clean and sober. In fact, in my head it makes perfect sense that you wouldn’t.”

“Lacey, I wasn’t high when I fell in love with you. If you remember correctly, I got clean, and I was straight as a pin the day I told you I loved you. Straight, when I asked you to marry me. Straight, when I said my vows and straight when we decided to start a family. It was never you that I wasn’t sure of and I was planning on telling you that today. You, girl, you’re the one thing in my life I’m proud of. I don’t just fucking love you. I cherish you.”

“I want to believe you.”

“Then, believe me!”

“Don’t you get it? I can’t control myself anymore,” I shriek, pulling out of his grip. “A woman in my condition should be picking out paint for her baby’s nursery or coming up with a birth plan. I wake up and tell myself I can’t take my own life because I’ll be taking my daughters too!”

As soon as the words leave my lips, I gasp and lift a hand to cover my mouth. Then I realize, I’m not all that sorry for saying them and I drop my hand away from my lips. The truth is, saying them out loud, releases me from my maker’s prison.

I’m free.

Free to confess the truth that will save me and my daughter.

“I need help,” I whisper.

Chapter Fifty-Six

Blackie

I neededsomething to take the edge off. Specifically, a pair of brown eyes and not just any pair, I neededhers. As sad and tormented as they are, they’re home. It has nothing to do with being an addict and everything to do with belonging to someone, loving someone. It’s a horrible feeling watching the person you love more than anything in this world fall apart before your eyes. It’s even worse when there is nothing you can do to help.

I knew something wasn’t right with Lacey at the end of our first visit. I saw the telltale signs and even called her out on it, but she assured me everything was fine every time we spoke on the phone and like a fool, I believed her.

“Here,” Sunny says, handing me a cup of coffee. “Black, two sugars.”

I stare at her outstretched hand and the cup of coffee she offers before dropping my hands to my knees and bowing my head. Setting the mug next to the phone, Sunny grabs the other chair in the room and pushes it across the floor until it’s in front of me. Taking a seat, she lays a hand on my shoulder.

“You’ve been sitting here since they left.”

That’s not true after Jack stormed out of here with my wife, I trashed the visitor’s room. Turned every fucking chair upside down. I thought Sunny was going to have a stroke, but at the time I was too consumed by anger to give a fuck. Seeing Lacey break and hearing her confess she has thoughts of hurting herself was too much for me.

I wake up and tell myself I can’t take my own life because I’ll be taking my daughters too.

From the day we found out about the side effects Lithium could cause the baby, I knew no good would come out of Lacey being unmedicated, but I never could’ve imagined it would result in her having suicidal thoughts. Worse than hearing her confess her truth was hearing her admit she needs help and not being able to give it to her. Once again, I was forced to trust Jack to domyjob.

“Dominic,” Sunny calls. “Say something.”

I look at her blankly.

“What do you want me to say?”

“Well, for starters why don’t you tell me what you’re feeling?”

“If you’re asking if I’m jonesing for drugs, I’m not.”

My words don’t surprise me even though they probably should. My addictions were never about Lacey. Sure, there were times I might have used her illness as a scapegoat. Times when I got high because she was hurting. But that was just me being a pussy, looking for an excuse to fuck myself.

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