Page 173 of Blackout-

“She’s going to put me in the hospital again, Blackie, and while I may be struggling with Jacqueline, I don’t want to be apart from her. I don’t want her to think I’ve abandoned her.”

I understand that because I felt the very same way. But in the same sense, I needed to be away, to be well, and it was Lacey who made me realize that. Suddenly a memory of us flashes before me and I’m transcended back to when she witnessed Jack off his meds and suffering through a mental break.

“I want you to hold me. I want you to love me and more than that, I want you to promise me if I ever get like that, you’ll make me get treatment. That you’ll never let our kids see me the way I saw my dad today.”

“Lace—”

“Promise me, Blackie, and I swear, right here, right now, that I’ll do the same. I’ll never let our son or daughter see you at your weakest.”

“I promise.”

Shaking the memory from my head, I look at her.

No more promises.

Only actions.

Chapter Sixty-Five

Lacey

Sufferingfrom mental illness has taught me nothing is guaranteed. There are no straight roads when you’re battling depression. Only bends and curves and they steer you off the path you planned for yourself. You lose control and sometimes you don’t find your way back.

I thought the worst thing to ever happen to me was when I lost my will to bring my daughter into the world. That being committed while pregnant was the lowest point of depression. But I was wrong. The worst thing to ever happen to me was when I lost my will to be her mother.

It all happened so quickly.

I went from feeling such elation to feeling nothing but fear.

I was afraid to touch her.

Afraid to hold her.

Afraid to love her.

I was petrified of her becoming attached to me and not for the reasons you think. I knew how to care for her. Motherhood came as naturally as breathing did. I also knew I would make mistakes along the way because every new mom does. So, it was never a question of her being dependent on me and not having the ability to deliver. I didn’t want her becoming attached to me because I feared my mind would eventually take me away from her. That she would love me as much as I love her only to feel abandoned when I lost sight of that love.

I thought I could pull myself out of it, but for as many blackouts as I’ve suffered, I couldn’t find the light. I lost control and if it wasn’t for my husband…well, I don’t know what might’ve happened. He should’ve been concentrating on acclimating to life outside of rehab. Instead, he took control of me, of our family and steered us back to course.

Back to the life, we were always meant to have.

I still hate thinking about the day he left me alone with our daughter because I can still hear her cries ringing in my ears. My heart shattered with each wail and yet there was nothing I could do. I was stuck. Rooted to fear.

His first suggestion was to call Dr. Spiegel, but I remember begging him not to. I didn’t want to leave our little girl. It didn’t matter that she wouldn’t remember me leaving. I would remember and if my mind didn’t let me, my heart would. There would always be a void.

But I made Blackie promise he’d never let our daughter see me lose my mind the way I watched my dad lose his, and he took that vow to heart. He didn’t take me to Dr. Spiegel. He didn’t shove more pills down my throat or demand I snap out of it.

He packed us up and took us upstate to the cabin we hid in when he was recovering from the gunshot and hiding from the cops.

Him.

Me.

And our girl.

Leather, lace, and hope.

I remember walking into that cabin and asking him how leaving our home would fix anything. He said it wouldn’t, which only confused me more, but I didn’t press him. I trusted my husband with my life. My heart. My mind. I trusted him to bring me back to our daughter.

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