Page 61 of Blackout-

From the regret.

From the fucking shame.

From the love of my life.

“I’m no help to Lacey this way,” I admit hoarsely. “Even if they didn’t have the gun, and I wasn’t wanted for murder, I would only drag her down. I guess once an addict, always an addict.”

“And the baby?” Riggs asks. “You turn yourself in, you won’t see your kid, man.”

I also won’t have a chance to hurt him or her.

She or he won’t know my broken promises and failed attempts.

She or he won’t feel the wrath of my addictions and mistakes.

“He can’t run, Riggs,” Wolf mutters, forcing my attention to him. He looks me in the eye and when he speaks, he doesn’t just speak as a brother but as the heart of the club and a man who has his own regrets. Someone who wishes he would’ve put his children before the patch.

“But you can fight the charges. Call your sobriety coach or your sponsor, whoever you gotta call. Get yourself clean and we’ll get you a fucking team of lawyers if we have to, Black. I promise you, you don’t want to miss your child being born into this world. It’ll be your biggest regret.”

“Yeah, man,” Linc says. “Whatever we need to do, we got you. We got your back.”

They make it sound so easy.

Maybe if I wasn’t an addict, it would be easy. I would fight the good fight, maybe even win. But I am who I am, and I’ll always revert to the lifestyle that will eventually kill me. Maybe that’s why I jump in front of bullets so quickly. Maybe my subconscious knows the only way out of this life is a needle.

Running the blade of my knife through the stitches, I remove the VP patch. I drop the knife onto my kutte before fingering the patch. Lifting my head, I stare down the table.

“Even if I fight the charges, I have to turn myself in,” I relent. “I can’t keep hiding out. If I make bail, I’ll be able to work on getting clean and spend as much time with Lacey before my trial starts. I can’t serve my woman and child and serve my brothers too,” I say, tossing his patch onto the center of the table. “And I won’t vote against Jack either,” I add, pausing for a beat. My gaze finds Wolf once more and I deliver the words that have been strangling me. Two fucking words that I wish I would’ve found the courage to say years ago. Not because I think my life would be much different, but maybe I would’ve spent more time lovin’ than losin if I had.

“I’m out,” I rasp.

“Vote against Jack?” Bas questions. “What are you talking about?”

“It’s time you tell them why we’re here, Wolf,” I tell him.

“Wolf, what the fuck is going on?” Riggs asks agitatedly.

Clearing his throat, Wolf shoves the mallet away from him and straightens his shoulders.

Unlike me, the truth won’t set him free. Wolf’s truth will marry him to a position he never wanted.

“Years ago, after Jack was first diagnosed and Cain passed the gavel to him, he made Pipe and I swear to intervene if his mind ever made him a liability to the club. I don’t have to tell any of you, Jack’s been struggling since this mess with Yankovich imploded. You all got eyes. You watched him kill that paramedic and you all know what happened with the partner. This shit with the cartel was the icing on the cake and when I found out about his plan, I went to him and tried to talk him out of it. He was having a breakdown and Reina wouldn’t let see him. Instead, she begged me to relieve him of his duties to the club. She knows he’s losing his grip on his sanity and before she’s forced to institutionalize the man she loves, she wants to spend as much time with him and their son as she can.”

Hearing Reina went to Wolf before she went to me only solidifies my decision.

“Institutionalize?” Linc questions. “Is that really what it will come down to?”

“Yes,” I say grimly. “He’s lucid now but refusing to take his medication. The longer he goes unmedicated, the deeper he’ll fall into the darkness. Eventually, he will be considered a danger to himself and others. There won’t be any reining him in, he’ll be gone. A shell of a man with no capacity to think for himself and Reina shouldn’t have to see that. Neither should Danny and I sure as fuck don’t want Lacey to think she’s looking in the mirror.”

“While you were all locked up, I was allowed to visit with Jack,” Wolf says. “He ordered us here.”

“Jesus Christ,” Bas mutters. “Well, where is he? I mean, we’re all here and he’s not.”

“Jack isn’t coming,” Wolf grunts.

“Why the hell not?” Riggs shouts.

“Because we’re all here to vote and he can’t be present for it.”

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