Page 74 of Blackout-

I don’t turn my head to meet his gaze. Instead, I keep my eyes trained on the ceiling and wait for him to continue. Quiet stretches between us as more tension mounts. Nothing gets resolved and we drift further into separate corners of the ring. The ref sounds the bell but neither of us make a move. A few moments ago I wanted to shut down. I wanted to sleep this day away and was desperate for silence. Now, the quiet is torture.

“I think we should make that room the nursery,” I blurt. “It’s a little smaller, but it’s closer to our bedroom.” Still unable to bring myself to look at him, I continue to ramble on, picking at the chipped polish on my nail. “I figured we’d put the crib on the wall across from the window.”

“Lace,” he whispers, seeing through my pitiful attempt at small talk. “I heard you.”

For some reason, those words get my attention and my gaze snaps to his. My eyebrows pinch together as I wait for him to elaborate. He bites the inside of his cheek as he struggles with his words and my eyes wander to the gauze covering his shoulder blade. At the sight, I worry that he may have gotten it wet while he was in the shower but the more I stare, the more the wound serves as a reminder of his dire need to put himself in harm’s way.

“Downstairs, everything you said, it didn’t go in one ear and out the other,” he clarifies, cocking his head to the side as he rubs the scruff lining his jaw. Hope flourishes inside me and I roll onto my side. He looks down at me and sucks in a breath as he reaches out and tucks a wayward curl behind my ear.

“It’s not a question of wanting to be the type of husband and father you expect me to be, it’s learning how. It’s about forgetting everything I know.”

There’s something about those words that makes me wonder if he misunderstood me. Maybe I didn’t convey the point I was trying to make. I don’t expect anything other than his presence in our lives. I know he loves me, and I know for certain he already loves this baby. I just need him to stay alive. I need him to know he’s more than Jack Parrish’s right hand. He’s myeverything.

“Blackie—”

“Let me finish,” he pleads softly. “I love you Lacey, but I didn’t plan on you. You…” his voice trails as he sighs heavily. “You were the greatest surprise of my life and maybe if I had known, if I had just the slightest hint that I’d get you in the end, well, I like to think I would’ve done things differently. But the truth is, I had a life before you—albeit not much of a good one.” He mutters the last part before taking a breath and continuing. “What I’m trying to say is, I didn’t live for anyone but me. Not Christine, not no one. I chose a life where I was trained to never think twice before pulling the trigger or stepping into the line of fire and for twenty odd years, it’s all I’ve known. You called me a human shield…” he pauses again, shrugging his shoulders thoughtfully. “Maybe you’re right, maybe that’s what I am, but you need to understand, that’s me. That’s all I’ve ever been. Anything more I hoped to become—a good husband, a great father—those were things I was hoping your father would teach me. Instead, he taught me how to take the gavel and that’s gone. Now, there’s you, our unborn kid, Reina and Danny and no one taught me how to take his place as the head of this family. You’re all my responsibility and that’s a lot for a man who thought he’d die before he ever saw thirty-five.”

That comes as a shock to me and mainly because, until this very moment, I didn’t think anyone could teach someone how to be a parent or a spouse. I always assumed those are things that come with experience. But as I sit here, soaking in his words, I can see his point. There’s comfort in having someone in your life that’s done it all before you. Someone you can call upon for advice or maybe even learn from by simply watching them navigate all the things you’re about to embark on yourself. Blackie wasn’t looking for my father to give him a handbook on how to be a husband and a father, he was looking for a role model—something he only ever found in my father.

“I said I’d switch places with your father, fight the charges against me and all that because that’s what I know. It’s not because I want to leave you or miss out on seeing my kid. I only know how to fall on my face. I only know how to fail.”

Those may be the saddest words I’ve ever heard him utter and what breaks my heart even more, is knowing they come from a sincere place. They’re not manufactured by drugs or alcohol. He’s not throwing himself a pity-party because he fucked up. He’s telling his truth.

“Don’t say anything,” he says when I open my mouth to respond.

Lifting his thumb to my lips, he gently strokes the bottom one.

“I just want you to know I got the message and I’m gonna work on it. Just…I don’t know…do me a favor and don’t hate me so much when you miss him, okay?” he shakes his head, drawing out a long sigh. “Lord knows Danny will probably hate me enough for the both of you when he gets older and realizes I’m the reason he didn’t have his father growing up.”

Silently, he looks away. I touch my hand to his cheek and turn his head so his eyes meet mine.

“I could never hate you,” I murmur softly. “And you don’t have to worry about Danny hating you either, Blackie. I don’t know if you realize it, but my little brother idolizes you,” I say with a smile.

It’s true.

Danny makes a beeline for Blackie anytime we go over to my dad’s. They talk sports and Blackie never hesitates in telling my brother to grab a football or a baseball so they can have a catch. Watching them together over the years gave me a glimpse into our future and I often found myself picturing my husband in the yard with our own son.

I know a little boy needs his dad and yeah, Danny is getting cheated out of that, but I don’t believe for one second that it’s Blackie’s fault. He may have dropped the gun and all that but men like my father and Victor Pastore were never destined to be family guys. They were criminals before anything else and there was never a happy ending in their future. If this didn’t happen, there would’ve been something else that took my dad away from us.

My dad knows that and one day, Danny will too. He’ll realize his father always knew his luck would eventually run out and instead of letting some dealer dictate how his streak ended, he took control of his final hand and cashed in, making sure his family was taken care of.

It’s too late for him but it’s not for Blackie.

He paved the path for my husband to give up a life of crime. I might not have seen it at first and maybe I’m the only one who does, but my fatheristeaching Blackie how to be the leader of the Parrish family simply by absolving him of his sins and throwing him into the role.

“Yeah, until—"

“Danny is going to be fine,” I say, cutting him off. “If my father thought for one second, he wouldn’t be taken care of, he wouldn’t have entertained this deal. But he’s got you and he’s got me. He’s trusting us and we’re not going to fail, Blackie. You and I always thought we were going to be the couple at the head of the table representing the Satan’s Knights, well, there has been a change in plans. Now, we’re the couple sitting at the head ofthisfamily, of the Parrish family, and together, we’re going to make him proud.”

He stares at me quietly for a moment before a faint smile ticks the corners of his mouth.

“You’re so much like him and not in the ways that you think,” he whispers thoughtfully, reaching behind me to cup the back of my head. With his free hand, he pokes a finger between my breasts. “You inherited the best part of him.”

“Seeing as I inherited his illness, I’m not really sure that’s—”

He cuts me off, bending his head to touch his forehead to mine.

“You inherited his heart, Lace,” he murmurs. “And that’s a beautiful fucking thing because no one in this world loves as hard as Jack loves.”

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