Page 100 of Letters to the Lost

Maybe it’s the fact I’ve finally realized that Chlo’s death was never my fault, that I did everything I could to be a parental figure for her even when I never should have.

“You failed Autumn, just like you always do. You failed at saving the little brat, you failed at being loved by your parents and you even failed at killing yourself…” Her laugh is manic as she holds the gun in her hand in the air, pointing directly at my head, “I knew you were never good enough to love but my god. How do you even manage to fuck something like that up? You did a good job at trying, I’ll give you that but… You. Still. Failed.”

“You’re wrong. I never failed at saving Chlo. I did everything I could to make sure she lived. If it wasn’t for me, she would have died as a baby when you forgot to feed her, when she would cry for so long, she eventually stopped because her brain realized it wasn’t working. You are the one who failed…” I shout, taking slow measured steps towards her hoping my voice alerts my dad’s guards to where I am, “You failed as a mother. You failed as a wife. You failed as a human being. You became a monster Jane, who sold her daughter for some quick cash when you should have been protecting me.”

Jane lets out a loud laugh bending over at the waist.

“Shall I tell you a secret Autumn?” she mock whispers to me when she finally gets herself under control.

"Sure Jane. Tell me your secret.”

“I never loved you. You were the biggest mistake of my life. If I never had you my life would have been fine, but I knew the moment those nurses placed you in my arms as a baby that I wanted you to suffer. You have the devil inside of you, an omen that brings misfortune to whoever you deem you love.”

“Stop,” I bark out. Knowing exactly where she’s going with this.

“You didn’t kill Chloe; I did but it was because of you. So, congratulations you can continue to act like the victim you are, but just know if it wasn’t for you she would be alive. I would never have turned into this,” she gestures to herself, the tousled clothes and the manic look in her eyes, “I turned to the drink to deal with you. You were put on this earth to torture me, but once I get rid of you then I can be free. Happy.”

“You really do mean that don’t you?” I say.

There's no need for an answer, I already know.

Just like I already know she’s three seconds away from pulling that trigger, she has the same gleam in her eyes she used to get before she struck me to the floor.

Slipping my hand into the slit of my dress, I wrap my hand around the sleek handle of the knife and hide it behind my leg. Making sure to keep myself looking relaxed.

Jane settles herself, splaying her legs apart as she braces herself to shoot.

I know she’s past talking, past trying to reason with, and I can’t stand around forever hoping someone will save me. I must do it for myself.

The knife feels heavy for once, unlike the times when I held it as I debated if I should hurt myself again when it would feel as light as a feather.

A tease of the very feeling it could offer me.

“You don’t want me to be your mommy, Autumn. You want me to end your pathetic suffering, something you couldn’t do. Don’t you want to be with Chloe?” Jane taunts me, her eyes narrowed radiating pure malice.

“You don’t get to say her name, Jane. It’s because of you I lost her. She was a child; your child and you killed her!” I scream, inches from her.

Her gun points at my heart now, even as she sways on her feet.

“And so are you. Seems fitting that if I brought you both into this world, I should take you both out. A way to repent for my sins, if you say. I can return you to where you belong.”

Her finger flexes on the trigger as she stares me down.

Unable to hear anymore, I dive for her, knocking her to the ground as I use my shoulder to throw her off balance.

“Fucking bitch!” Jane screams, the gun now lying on the grass where it got thrown. Something she quickly realizes as she shouts, throwing herself at me before I can get up and find the knife that fell out of my hand.

We grapple as she gets on top of me, her hands wrapping around my neck.

Relaxing as much as possible, I use every trick Zander has taught me so far and try to remain calm as I feel around frantically for my knife.

My finger slices along the sharp blade, relief filling my chest even as I struggle for air.

I have no option; survival instincts kick in as I stab my knife into the side of Jane’s neck and pull it back out.

Warm blood sprays across my face, coating my neck and dress, my knife clatters to the ground dropping it like it’s on fire.

Her hands release me, as she desperately attempts to stop the blood that now splutters from her vein.

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