Page 104 of Letters to the Lost

Autumn’s shuddering breath can be heard in the silence, she must have thought I left.

I watch as she pushes herself to sit, reaching for the cover.

She freezes when she sees me standing at the door, her hand hovering over the material.

She can’t run from this anymore though.

“You need to leave your bed at some point Autumn,” I tell her, my tone harsh from the anger still in my system.

“I can’t,” She whispers softly, her eyes fixated on the cover as she picks invisible lint from it.

“You can. You just don’t want to. It’s easier to hide in here. The others have coddled you far too much and maybe I’m guilty of that too because we are so terrified to push you in case you try to kill yourself again.”

She flinches at the last part as if I’ve struck her. I know it’s harsh to throw it in her face, but I’m desperate. But her eyes burn again for only just a moment before she blinks, and it’s gone.

“I’m fine Atlas. Just leave me alone,” She says as she reaches for the cover once again as she attempts to bury herself away from her problems.

“I can’t do that Pumpkin,” I say, before I tear the cover from her grip and throw it to the floor.

Parz’s whines can be heard from the other side of the door, “I can’t do that because I can’t do this a second time. I can’t watch you waste away in front of my eyes as you hide away from the world in this room. Where’s the fighter? Where is the girl who protected Chloe at the cost to herself?!”

“She’s gone Atlas. That girl no longer exists.”

“Yes, you are. You had that fire when you killed Jane, you had that fire while training with Zander. You had it while I trained you how to shoot that damn gun.” I nod towards the gun that rests on her nightstand. Always within reach for her since the notes started. Petrified to sleep in case he comes for her.

Making my way over to her side, I grip her wrist and pull her to standing. Even with bags under her eyes, greasy hair, and clothes that I’m ninety-nine percent sure haven’t been changed in a few days. She is still the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

Reaching for the gun while I keep my grip on her wrist, I pick up the weapon. The cold feel of the metal calming.

I place the grip in her hand, forcing her fingers to curl around it as she looks up at me with wide eyes.

“If you aren’t that girl anymore then I need you to pull this trigger,” I tell her as I turn the safety off and point the barrel directly at my heart.

“What? No!” Autumn shouts, her voice panicked but I keep my hold on her hand firm.

“I need you to. I would hurt a hell of a lot less than watching you slowly die in that fucking bed! If you won’t fight, then pull the fucking trigger because I refuse to go through you trying to leave this world once again. It nearly killed me last time. I’d rather die now than live for even a second without you in this world. If it makes me selfish, then call me fucking selfish but I can’t do it again! So, pull the fucking trigger, Autumn! Do it!” I shout, my chest heaving while I try my hardest to hold back tears.

I can’t do it again. I’ve lost her too many times to go through it again and be able to survive. Once was enough, but to know what it’s like to be loved by her. Life would never be worth living without her by my side.

Autumn stares up at me with glistening eyes, before she rips herself from me and throws the gun on the bed.

“HOW. DARE. YOU!” She shouts, her eyes now blazing with anger.

“There she is,” I taunt, loving when the anger in her system blazes, “Fight Autumn because we can’t do it for you. We can be there. We can love you and support you, which I vow to always do. But I can’t fight this monster inside your head for you. It needs to be you.”

“What if I can’t?” She asks me, her voice sounding so vulnerable.

I want to tell her I’ll slay all of her demons, that I will fight everything for her, so she doesn’t have to. I can’t do that this time though. She needs to find the strength I know is inside of her and use it.

“You can. You will never do this alone baby, butYOUneed to do this,” I tell her.

“Ok,” She replies, “Promise I’m not doing it alone though? I can’t face him alone.”

“Never Autumn. You will never have to face that prick alone ever again. We’ll find him, and we’ll make him wish he was never born,” I promise.

“There was another note wasn’t there?” she asks as she sinks into my chest.

Wrapping my arms around her, I pull her closer.

---