Page 18 of Letters to the Lost

“Hello Autumn,” Doctor Karskin greets me at the entrance to the program. A large ranch looms behind him, my new home for the next six weeks.

“Hello,” I greet him, moving forward to shake his hand. The driver hands me my bag, before nodding his head to the Doctor, getting into the car and driving away down the long dirt road.

“Are you ready?” he asks me with a gentle voice.

“Not really, but I need to do this,” I answer.

“Let me show you around,” Doctor Karskin says before he's striding towards the entrance doors, expecting me to follow after him. Shouldering my bag, I lightly jog to catch up just as we enter a grand reception. Everything is rustic and wooden, giving it a very warm and welcoming presence. A fire roars on the far-left wall, and a man sits in the high back chair next to it reading a book. He turns his head to see who has just entered before he deems us not important enough to interrupt his reading and turns his nose back into the pages.

I get it.

My gut churns with nerves, my heart beating hard against my chest. The panic starts to set in, and it finally hits me.

Right now I’m alone, I have no one to hold my hand throughout this process. I know I need to do this but a part of me wishes that just one of my men would be here with me to hold my hand when it gets hard, when therapy no doubt breaks me a little from everything, I will need to tell them.

Taking a deep breath, I survey the rest of my surroundings pinpointing all of the exit points. Something that has become a habit of mine since the fire, the idea of being stuck in another burning building makes me break out into a cold sweat.

“When do I begin speaking to someone?” I ask Doctor Karskin, gripping the strap on my bag to hide my trembling hands. Right now, I just want to hide in my bed and pretend none of this is happening.

Doctor Karskin gives me an understanding smile,“Tomorrow Autumn, give yourself tonight to settle in before we dive into the scary stuff.”

“Thank you,” I reply before following him to where my room will be.

Light gray walls surround me, and a large window nearly covers an entire wall, but the view is breathtaking. Just on the other side is the ocean, blue rolling waves lapping at the sandy shore. My feet itch to be buried in the warm sand, to feel the cool salty water against my ankles. A small sad smile kicks up the side of my lips, remembering all the times I had taken Chlo, her squeals of delight as she ran into the water.

Turning away from the view, I take in the rest of my room. A small double bed sits in the middle of the room with pale lavender covers, a wooden set of drawers rests against the wall directly across from the bed, and a small TV perched on top.

“I’ll leave you be for the rest of today and I’ll have one of the kitchen staff bring you some food. Any preferences?” Doctor Karskin asks me, startling me from my perusal of the room.

“Anything is fine, thank you. Am I allowed to leave my room and explore?”

“I encourage you to. You are not a prisoner here Autumn, you are here to get the help you need. If you want to spend your day exploring or relaxing at any point during the stay, then all you need to do is say so. We do not require you to attend therapy twenty-four hours a day, but we do encourage you to use the activities we have on our schedules.”

“Thank you, Doctor Karskin.”

Placing my bag down at the foot of my bed, my gaze immediately glides to the shoreline.

Deciding it’s the first place I want to go; I rummage about in my bag finding what I need. Pulling out a pair of shorts, I can’t help the smile that takes over my face when I see that all of my men have placed some of their clothes with mine. Extracting one from the heap of clothes, I pull it to my nose and inhale. Zander’s scent comes through, with the distinct smell of bread.

Comfort.

Pulling it over my head I can’t help but press my nose against the fabric once more, inhaling his scent again.

Finally finding my way down to the water, I kick off my brown flats and carry them while walking into the water until it hits my knees. The cool water feels like a balm to my soul. Memories of me and Chlo batter against my mind, making me wish she was here, wishing the guys were here too. For the first time in five years, I am truly alone, after losing Chlo I had the guys. Not having anyone here with me is a strange feeling making me feel slightly hollow on the inside.

I must sit on the sand for hours after reluctantly leaving the water. In my head, I speak to Chloe, using it to feel closer to her.

I Need it.

I miss you.

A light gust of wind brushes over my skin, a caress.

An ‘I miss you too’.

Chapter 8

Zander

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