Page 2 of Letters to the Lost

“What’s wrong?” I ask her.

“You do really need to go back.”

“And if I don’t want to?”

“Then you are stupid.”

“It was too much Chlo. I tried to protect you from so much, but I just feel too damaged to ever truly be happy.”

“I know everything that happened mama. You did what any mom would do for her child and protected me. You put me first and yourself last. I am so incredibly grateful for that. You were my hero mom, and I was the luckiest little girl in the world to have you.”

“You were never supposed to know. I tried to shield you from as much of it as possible. I know I couldn’t protect you from everything, but I did try.”

“You were a child when you started to care for me, mom. You couldn’t protect me from everything that happened in that house. I know all of it now, and I’m so mad at our mom for putting you through any of that.”

Pulling her in for another hug, I can’t help the tears that fall. I don’t think the feeling of failing her will ever go away, but she’s so adamant that none of it was my fault.

“Will you go back?” Chlo asks.

“I don’t want to go back. I want to just hide here. It’s peaceful here.”

“You don’t belong here though. Not right now anyway.”

“I don’t want to leave you. Not again.”

“You aren’t. Not really,” she reassures me.

“What do you mean?”

“I get to see you living your life from here. I’m watching you be happy, and you deserve that, so much. You deserve a happy life with the people who love you, the many people who love you, mama. You could be so happy, if you just stop blaming yourself.”

“You deserved that life too. One where you could have gone to college and found love, gotten your heart broken. I would have bought you all the ice cream from the store, while we watched whatever movie you wanted to. We would have egged his car, just so I could hear your laughter…” hastily wiping my tears away, I carry on “I would have walked you down the aisle if you did end up marrying a man that was worthy of your love. And I would have done everything in my power to make sure you had that life,” I pause again, more tears collecting in my eyes, “If only I had known what Mom had planned that night.”

Chloe’s face crumples before me at my words, her sobs coming out in big heaving breaths. Pulling her into a hug again, her head buried in the crook of my neck as she falls apart in my arms.

“I wanted that mama. I wanted that so badly, but it’s not meant for me. You are the one who deserves to live that life. Please, go back and live that life with all the people who love you. For me and yourself,” she begs, her voice muffled.

“You really want me to leave?” I ask her, needing her to say the words.

I’m a far stretch away from ever not blaming myself for her death, but I owe it to her to do as she asks. If she wants me to stay, then I’ll stay.

If she wants me to leave, then I’ll go, even if it’ll break my heart to do so.

“Yeah, mama. I want you to leave. As much as I want you to stay, I need you to go back. They need you to go back.”

“They don’t need me as much as you do though,” I lie.

“Yes, they do. They love you so much, losing you will destroy them all mama. Go back to them and live your life. Don’t forget me though,” she jokes as if I ever could.

“Ok, Chlo. I’ll go back.”

“I love you, mommy,” she tells me.

“I love you too, baby,” I kiss her forehead, holding her close for as long as I can.

Chapter 2

Tobias

---