Page 24 of Letters to the Lost

So I tell her everything from the moment we got the call while we were away, to how much I love her and then everything that led to the moment that she tried to leave this world.

“Oh my! I believe this calls for something a little bit stronger than coffee,” Mom says as she gets up from her seat and comes back with a bottle of baileys, “Want some?”

“I can’t. I’m not staying, I’ll be leaving for a few weeks to deal with something.”

“Will you be safe?” Mom asks me.

This. This is why I love her, no questions just will I be safe. She understands I’m not like my brother, that I’m a little different but she loves me regardless.

“I’ll be safe Mom, I promise,” I tell her, leaning over and kissing her cheek, “What’s the story with Chase? I didn’t know you had a new kid.”

“Oh bless him, he’s the sweetest little thing ever. I got an emergency call at two a.m. last week; the poor boy was found in his apartment with his mom’s dead body. Poor thing was silent for the first few days until I pulled out that old racetrack of yours and he finally opened up. His mom was an addict, heroin I believe. She overdosed five days before he was found,” she tells me, her eyes glassy.

Mom has the biggest heart and has always taken in kids with horrible backgrounds, the ones with addicts or abusive parents.

“Jesus fucking Christ,” I mutter “What about his dad?”

“Some waste of space who said, ‘I want nothing to do with that thing,’” she uses air-quotes with her fingers, her tone low and mad.

“You got an address?” I ask, preparing to make a stop on the way to where I need to go. I’ve spent less than five minutes with this kid, but he deserves better. Any kid would deserve better than that shit.

I can’t wait to knock up my Cupcake, for her to be round with our child, and to watch her be the most amazing mom. I think I could convince her to foster or adopt too, something I feel strongly about.

I may not be the best parental figure to have around but there are four others and with a mom like Autumn any kid we had biological or not, I have no doubt would turn out amazing.

“I’ll send it to you when you get back,” Mom winks at me as she stands, taking our now empty cups to the sink to rinse, “Now I’m sure you promised a very excited child a game of racetrack.”

“That I did.”

Chapter 10

Autumn

My first therapy appointment is today. Doctor Karskin thankfully gave me yesterday to settle in before I had to start. My psychologist sits across from me. Brown khaki pants and a blue buttoned shirt, shiny brown loafers, his face is stern, slight crinkles surround his gray eyes, and slicked back black hair completes his look.

“Are you ready to start Autumn?” he asks me, his notepad resting on his knee.

“I guess,” I murmur, unable to keep myself from shuffling restlessly on the leather chair. I feel itchy, the need to run from the room greater than the need to reach for a blade.

“Nothing to be afraid of, how about we talk about how you got here?” he asks, his pen poised against the paper ready for my answer.

“I did something stupid.”

“And what was that something stupid Autumn?”

“I hurt myself with the intention of ending my life.”

“Why?”

“That’s a loaded question,” I murmur, scratching absently at my wrist above the bandage that is still attached.

“I won’t judge you, Autumn. Just tell me whatever you are thinking or feeling, and we’ll go from there,” My psychologist reassures me.

“I felt like I didn’t deserve to live. I still don’t. It feels like it’s my fault that Chloe is dead, my mom Jane has been sending me messages for months since Chlo’s death. Blaming me, reminding me that I shouldn’t get to live the life I now have when Chloe doesn’t get to have that.”

“And who was Chloe to you?” he asks, the sound of his pen scribbling on the paper filling the silence as I figure out how to answer.

“She was my sister…” I pause because that’s not all she was, “She was my kid, I looked after her. She asked to call me mommy the night the fire happened, it was one of the happiest moments of my life and then it was all ripped from me.”

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